Athletic Director Questions $1.25 Million in Funds for New Mascot Costume
Athletic Director Questions $1.25 Million in Funds for New Mascot Costume
YUBA CITY, CA — The Westville High School athletic department is under scrutiny this week after the basketball program submitted a formal request for $1.25 million to commission a new Bobcat mascot costume, prompting Athletic Director Mark Donnelly to request “itemized justification for line 17, ‘custom gold-plated whiskers.’”
The proposal, delivered in a three-ring binder adorned with a holographic logo, outlines a series of “essential upgrades” meant to bolster school spirit and “intimidate visiting teams from regionals to the annual JV holiday tournament.” The plan includes 24-karat gold claws, an animatronic tail with Bluetooth connectivity, a backup generator, and three pairs of “limited edition Air Bobcat 7s” in children’s, women’s, and men’s sizes.
“Our current mascot head smells like a locker room and cries during timeouts,” explained head basketball coach Travis Jenkins, referencing an incident at last month’s rivalry game. “We’re just asking the district to invest in championship-level fur technology. The kids deserve it.”
The budget also allocates $11,000 for “mascot influencer media training,” $3,700 for a TikTok content consultant, and a $29,500 “emergency fur replacement fund.” When asked about the $82,000 earmarked for “branding synergy lunches,” assistant coach Linda Rollins responded, “Have you seen what private schools spend on their mascots? This is basic.”
Several parents voiced support, noting that “anything is better than another fundraiser” and that “maybe if the Bobcat gets a NIL deal, we can finally afford new basketballs.” Donnelly, meanwhile, assured stakeholders he would “move the request to the appropriate subcommittee, immediately after we replace that flickering gym light from 2014.”
Local Player Shocked to Discover Warm-Up Drills Don’t Guarantee Championships
TULSA, OK — Junior guard Mason Tyler was reportedly “devastated and confused” Tuesday night after learning that years of participating in pregame warm-up drills have not, in fact, directly resulted in a state championship ring.
“I just—every layup line, every three-man weave, I gave it 100%,” said Tyler, staring blankly at the faded lines of the home gym. “Coach always said, ‘We gotta look good in warm-ups.’ So I hit every left-handed layup—every single one. I guess I just thought that’s how teams won banners.”
Teammates say Tyler has always taken warm-ups seriously, often executing defensive slides with more intensity than in actual games. “He’s the kind of guy who’ll do perfect ‘around the world’ closeouts while the other team is still lacing up,” said senior co-captain Carter Reynolds. “I figured he understood we still had to play the actual game, but maybe not.”
Head Coach Allen Foster expressed sympathy for Tyler’s confusion. “We emphasize preparation. We talk about looking sharp,” Foster said, glancing at the practice plan titled ‘Layup Line Masterclass.’ “But I suppose I never specified that the warm-ups don’t go on the scoreboard. That’s on me.”
Sources confirmed Tyler became suspicious after the team dropped its third straight conference game despite performing “the crispest weave ever seen in Sectional 4A.” When asked if he’d change his pregame approach, Tyler was resolute. “No way. If we don’t nail the two-ball passing drill, how can we expect to win in March?”
At press time, Tyler was seen reviewing video footage of his dynamic arm circles, reportedly searching for answers.
Trump operation against Houthis cost more than $1 billion
Reports reveal the U.S. military spent over $1 billion on operations targeting Houthi forces during Trump’s presidency. What do you say?
- “Wow, so the Pentagon gets new drones, but I’m still patching up deflated Wilsons from 2017.” — Marcus Reed (Equipment Manager)
- “I guess the secret to getting funds is calling my next bake sale a military operation.” — Dana Morales (Booster-Club Treasurer)
- “If I could get one percent of that, the girls would have real pregame meals—something besides Cheez-Its and Capri Sun.” — Tom Gallagher (Athletic Director)
- “At least their officials probably show up on time and don’t forget the whistle.” — Brad Colson (Referee)
American Courtside’s Exclusive Interview with Dirk Nowitzki
With his recent nomination as a finalist for the 2024 Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame and a string of high-profile tribute nights, Dirk Nowitzki’s singular legacy is again in the spotlight.
American Courtside: Dirk, congratulations on being named a Hall of Fame finalist. How does it feel to be immortalized among basketball’s flashiest icons?
Dirk Nowitzki: Thank you. I am honored. Honestly, I’m just relieved they didn’t ask me to wear sequins or dunk over a Lamborghini on live TV.
American Courtside: Your style —cargo shorts, warm-up hoodies, orange Fanta —defies typical NBA “swag.” Will we ever see Dirk Nowitzki as a lifestyle brand?
Dirk Nowitzki: I tried. The Dirk 41 Signature Cargo was not a bestseller.
American Courtside: At the Mavericks’ recent tribute night, you led a Texas barbecue and yodeled the German national anthem. Is this the future of American sports pageantry?
Dirk Nowitzki: Of course. Who doesn’t want a bratwurst with their brisket? Next year, I introduce sauerkraut to the nachos.
American Courtside: Commercial endorsements seem to chase you, but you seem to, well, jog away slowly. Why?
Dirk Nowitzki: I tried to film a GQ shoot once. They asked for “smolder.” I gave them “confused IKEA customer.” It’s a different vibe.
American Courtside: Your one-legged fadeaway became iconic. Ever considered patenting it for yoga classes or self-defense seminars?
Dirk Nowitzki: Yes, I call it “Downward German.” Clears the lane, cleanses the soul.
American Courtside: You played 21 seasons for one NBA team. Didn’t you ever want a dramatic “Decision” special like LeBron?
Dirk Nowitzki: I tried. It was just me in my kitchen, choosing between schnitzel and leftover tacos. ESPN never called back.
American Courtside: Mavericks fans call you “Dirkules.” Do you feel more like a mythic hero or the friendly neighbor who helps move a sofa?
Dirk Nowitzki: Let’s be honest, I’m more “giant neighbor.”
American Courtside: You’re credited with popularizing basketball in Germany. Do young German players look up to you, or just ask about Texas barbecue?
Dirk Nowitzki: Both. They want my shooting tips and my brisket recipe.
American Courtside: You once said your brand is “no brand.” If forced to pitch yourself in a Nike ad, what’s the slogan?
Dirk Nowitzki: “Just…no, danke.”
American Courtside: Looking back, any advice for young players aiming for a drama-free, cargo-shorts-filled NBA legacy?
Dirk Nowitzki: Work hard, eat sausage, win basketball. And never, never underestimate the power of a good dad joke.
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Coach B
Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
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