GATORADE SIGNS LIFETIME DEAL TO BE OFFICIAL BEVERAGE OF GYM FLOOR
GATORADE SIGNS LIFETIME DEAL TO BE OFFICIAL BEVERAGE OF GYM FLOOR DURING TIMEOUTS, SPILLS GUARANTEED THROUGH 2035
SPRINGFIELD, MO — Gatorade has inked an unprecedented lifetime partnership to become the exclusive beverage adorning high school gym floors during timeouts, securing guaranteed spills through at least 2035, sources confirmed Wednesday.
The deal, valued at “several mop buckets annually,” cements Gatorade’s dominance as the liquid most likely to be stepped in by unsuspecting power forwards returning to the court. Under the agreement, at least one bottle per team bench must be knocked over per timeout, with additional incentives for sticky puddles discovered mid-possession.
“We’re proud to hydrate the next generation of athletes and, inevitably, the floors they play on,” said regional Gatorade representative Doug Haskins, unveiling the new ‘Floor Splash’ flavor. “Nothing says ‘big game’ like a bright orange stain gradually working its way toward the scorer’s table.”
Coaches will be provided with commemorative squeegees and a special edition “Timeout Mop” featuring the Gatorade logo. In addition, referees are expected to receive annual training in ‘Slip Hazard Awareness’ under the new safety guidelines.
“Nothing builds team chemistry like huddling around a clipboard, wondering if that squishy feeling in your sock is your own sweat or a teammate’s Fruit Punch accident,” said West Valley coach Maria Edwards, who admits she’s stopped asking for towels and now just brings her own ShamWow.
Student managers will also receive official training modules, including the new “Advanced Mopping: When the Mop Smells Like Lemon-Lime” course.
When reached for comment, senior guard Tyler McNally shrugged, “I just hope they bring back the Glacier Freeze after what it did to the free throw line last year. We went on a 6-0 run as soon as it dried.”
VARSITY BASKETBALL COACHES STUNNED AS PLAYER EXECUTES FULLY FUNCTIONAL ZONE DEFENSE WITHOUT PROMPTING
YUBA CITY, CA — Area high school basketball coaches were left reeling Tuesday night after junior forward Bryce Miller, 16, independently recognized an opponent’s offensive set and called out a 2-3 zone—then proceeded to actually execute it competently, sources confirmed.
Spectators at the game between Millwood and Central Valley reported initial confusion in the third quarter, when Miller extended his arms, gestured teammates into position, and shouted, “Watch the high post!”—behaviors previously believed to be theoretical at the varsity level.
“Honestly, at first I thought he’d pulled a hamstring,” said Millwood head coach Ron Halloran, who has spent the past 17 seasons explaining ‘zone awareness’ with multi-colored whiteboard markers, cones, and increasingly desperate metaphors. “Then I realized the weak side rotated, the middle was covered, and—this is crazy—nobody left their feet on a pump fake. I nearly fainted.”
According to team sources, Miller’s sudden tactical initiative was not prompted by sideline yelling, frantic hand gestures, or the traditional “timeout for a teachable moment.” Instead, he reportedly “just sort of saw what the offense was doing,” then relayed defensive responsibilities using actual words and communicative eye contact.
Opposing coach Denise Patel called the development “deeply concerning,” adding, “I had to run three quick hitters before I even remembered what to do when the defense isn’t just five guys chasing the ball.”
Following the game, Miller was immediately named defensive captain, handed a dry-erase board, and assigned to teach advanced concepts such as ‘help side’ and ‘closing out under control’ to the JV squad. When reached for comment, Miller’s teammates confirmed they had “no idea what just happened, but it was kind of scary.”
RFK JR.’s MAHA REPORT CITED NONEXISTENT STUDIES
In a recent controversy, presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s campaign released a health report referencing studies that experts say do not actually exist. What do you say?
- “Does this mean I can start citing imaginary refs the next time I get T’d up? — Lloyd Baron (Assistant Coach)
- “I’d love to reference ‘The Study of Infinite Gym Time,’ but the principal says my sources need to be real.” — Ashlynn Chu (Booster Club President)
- “I want a report proving our locker rooms are just fine without doors! — Darnell Rivers (Custodian)
- “I would like to cite stats showing our layup lines are the most efficient in the country.” — Marissa Klein (JV Guard)
- “Relax. I’ve been citing nonexistent ankle tape in our budget for years!” — Rick Harmon (Athletic Trainer)
COACH SCOOTER REVIEWS: Agility Ladder, Speed Training Equipment Set, 20ft Rungs Speed Ladder, Soccer Cones
Title: From JV Hype Video to NIL Superstar (in 14 Ladders or Less)
Review: Bought this agility ladder set to help our squad with “footwork and discipline.” Within 48 hours, our sophomore JV forward —who averages 2.1 points and 6.8 TikToks per game —was streaming cone drills on Instagram Live while DM’ing me branding inquiries (“Coach, do I need an agent if I trend off a resistance umbrella?”). The 20ft ladder became a runway for crossover highlight edits, and now the team’s group chat has fully rebranded as “@LadderGawdNation.” I caught our backup center giving an interview to the local podcast (sponsored, naturally) about his “signature speed-rope routine” and how it “boosts his vertical, and his personal brand.” Last night, I overheard two JV reserves arguing about who should get the first NIL deal for “ladder influencer rights.” At this point, I’m just hoping someone signs the cones to an endorsement deal, so at least the equipment budget balances out.This email links to sites that use affiliate links to support the site. Coach B Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog 🏀 Not affiliated with any parody site… but your mother might be. You should ask her!