LOCAL COACH BENCH PRESSES 300 POUNDS TO PROVE “SHE CAN HANDLE MORE THAN JUST GAME DAY PRESSURE”
LOCAL COACH BENCH PRESSES 300 POUNDS TO PROVE “SHE CAN HANDLE MORE THAN JUST GAME DAY PRESSURE”
SPRINGFIELD, MO — Varsity girls’ basketball coach Marissa Dalton reportedly benched 300 pounds in the school weight room Tuesday morning, pausing midway through a set to clarify that her strength “extends well beyond responding to parent emails and arguing about gym time with JV volleyball.”
Eyewitnesses say Dalton, 39, loaded the barbell just after reviewing a team group chat thread containing 87 unread messages, most regarding hair braid pairings and snack assignments for Friday’s bus ride. “I just needed a quick warm-up before my daily 6am ‘why isn’t my daughter starting’ phone call,” Dalton remarked, chalk dust still visible on her hands. “Honestly, the bench is a lot less stressful than a three-way conversation with the athletic director and two parents who have Google Docs of their kid’s playing time.”
Assistant coach Brian Feldman confirmed Dalton’s workout included three sets: one for each time she’s been asked when the shot clock will get installed, one for every time the gym was triple-booked, and a final set dedicated to “enduring 40-minute PTA meetings about concession stand receipts.”
“She was muttering something about NIL deals and TikTok followers as she re-racked the bar,” said Feldman. “I just nodded and tried to pretend I knew if we were practicing in the cafeteria or the band room tonight.”
Dalton plans to increase the weight next week, citing upcoming playoff bracket emails and the rumor that St. Thomas Private Academy may have “accidentally” recruited another of her starting guards. When asked if she had any advice for new coaches, Dalton simply replied: “Invest in a good weight belt. And maybe noise-canceling headphones.”
GREENWOOD’S ROBBINS TO RECEIVE TROPHY, REQUEST FOR EXTRA PRACTICE IMMEDIATELY DENIED
BROOKSVILLE, KY — Greenwood High School’s varsity basketball coach, Steve Robbins, will receive the district’s “Coach of the Year” trophy during a brief Thursday ceremony, though school administrators confirmed his subsequent request for a 30-minute extension to practice was unanimously rejected.
Robbins, whose team finished second in the region and whose players reportedly “showed admirable effort despite an inability to box out,” had petitioned the athletics office to allow a single extra half-hour in the gym following the award. “It’s not for me, it’s for the kids,” Robbins explained, gesturing toward a meticulously color-coded practice plan and a whiteboard diagram still stained from last week’s zone defense tutorial. “Fifteen extra minutes on closeout footwork could make all the difference in sub-sectional play. Or, failing that, we could just run shell drill until someone cries.”
According to sources, Director of Student Life Marsha Kessler delivered the decision in person, noting, “We are proud of Coach Robbins’ achievements, but the gym has been reserved for the badminton club’s ‘Shuttlepalooza’ since October. Also, the custodians must wax the floors before tomorrow’s show choir rehearsal, unless we’d like another incident involving the tuba section and a stray basketball.”
Robbins is expected to accept his trophy—which features a gold-plated whistle and a miniature clipboard—during halftime of the JV game. When asked how he planned to celebrate, he replied, “I’ll probably catch up on this week’s parent emails. I have 27 unread, and at least five seem to be about playing time. That’s what I call the real postseason grind.”
AMERICAN COURTSIDE: AN OREGON MAN WHO QUIT HIS JOB TO SET SAIL WITH HIS CAT ARRIVES TO CHEERING FANS IN HAWAII
A former Oregon resident left his career behind to embark on a solo ocean voyage with only his cat for company, eventually landing in Hawaii to public fanfare. What do **you** say?
* “So he just left his job and everyone cheered? My booster club would throw me in the Pacific.” — Sherry Banks (Booster-Club Treasurer)
* “I can’t get our team past the concession stand without losing two starters.” — Tamika Clark (Athletic Director)
* “I do envy his ‘no parent emails in the middle of the ocean’ lifestyle.” — Marcus Webb (Assistant Coach)
* “If I quit my job to sail away, would I finally get a gym with working shot clocks?” — Dan Carter (Referee)
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH A’JA WILSON
Fresh off leading the Las Vegas Aces to another championship run and securing her third consecutive WNBA All-Star starting nod, A’ja Wilson is cementing herself as the face of women’s basketball. We sit down with the two-time MVP to discuss double-doubles, double standards, and the fine art of balancing activism with sneaker endorsements.
American Courtside: Congratulations on the latest championship. How does it feel being called “the face of the WNBA” —outside of all the group texts from your relatives?
A’ja Wilson: It’s cool being the “face.” I just wish more people actually recognized it outside of my grandma’s Facebook friends. One guy at TSA thought I was on the Sparks.
American Courtside: You’re often described as “relatable.” Would you say your day-to-day life is closer to the average fan or Beyoncé?
A’ja Wilson: I mean, I still love Target runs —but now my cart just has more Gatorade and less privacy. So, somewhere between “girl next door” and “girl getting mobbed in aisle seven.”
American Courtside: Your activism gets as much press as your on-court stats. How do you balance speaking out with being, well, sponsored out?
A’ja Wilson: It’s all about synergy. By day, I fight for justice. By night, I hydrate with the official beverage of justice —now available wherever fine drinks are sold. I also fight for justice at night, but that’s a little more sensitive at this time.
American Courtside: You just signed a multi-year extension with the Aces. How do you celebrate big career moves?
A’ja Wilson: I treat myself to something luxurious —like a nap. Maybe a new pair of Crocs. You know, for my brand.
American Courtside: People say you’re “the funniest player in the league.” Any truth to the rumor you have a meme folder for every possible postgame emotion?
A’ja Wilson: That’s also classified, but let’s just say my side-eye game is LeBron level and my meme folder is deeper than the Aces’ bench.
American Courtside: The Aces have become a powerhouse. Ever feel like you’re playing 5-on-8 with the media attention… or lack thereof?
A’ja Wilson: Sometimes. We win a chip and get a polite golf clap, but let an NBA player sneeze and it’s breaking news. Maybe if I dunked in heels? I’m not going to dunk in heels.
American Courtside: You’re a visible philanthropist. Do you ever wish people paid as much attention to your foundation as your TikToks?
A’ja Wilson: YES. But if it takes a Renegade dance to raise awareness, then consider me the WNBA’s unofficial TikTok auntie.
American Courtside: What’s the strangest endorsement offer you’ve received since becoming a league MVP?
A’ja Wilson: Someone wanted me to be the face of a luxury pet iguana boutique. I don’t have an iguana, but A’ja’s Iguanas had a nice ring to it.
American Courtside: After all your success, what still surprises you about being a professional women’s basketball player?
A’ja Wilson: That my biggest competition isn’t on the court —it’s convincing the world we exist.
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Coach B
Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
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