COACH BOOSTER CLUB PRESIDENT WINS TEAM RAFFLE, IMMEDIATELY DONATES FUNDS FOR NEW SCOREBOARD
COACH BOOSTER CLUB PRESIDENT WINS TEAM RAFFLE, IMMEDIATELY DONATES FUNDS FOR NEW SCOREBOARD
BISMARCK, ND — The varsity basketball program’s annual winter raffle concluded last Friday with an unexpected twist when Booster Club President Carol Mendez drew her own name from the collection of 74 tickets, promptly announcing the full $312 in proceeds would be put toward purchasing a new scoreboard—pending district approval and several more successful raffles.
Mendez, who has spent the past three weeks selling tickets from a folding table beside the trophy case, maintained the entire process was aboveboard. “We triple-checked the shoe box and shook it for at least 30 seconds,” she explained, referencing the heavily Scotch-taped raffle container, which also held backup buzzer batteries and three unpaid concessions IOUs.
Players and coaches gathered for the drawing noted that the event was conducted with “the usual level of transparency,” according to Head Coach Derek Sanders. “Carol’s been pushing for an upgrade ever since the old scoreboard lost its third digit and started blinking Morse code during free throws,” Sanders said, carefully stacking used dry-erase markers on his clipboard’s cracked edge.
Despite the apparent conflict of interest, Mendez insisted the optics were secondary to the cause. “This is just what happens when you buy 44 of the tickets yourself,” she said. “Besides, the team deserves a scoreboard that doesn’t display a mysterious ‘Q’ in the bonus column.”
Assistant Coach Linda Poe was quick to add that all future raffles would be drawn from an actual drum, “if the band director lets us borrow it.”
Mendez concluded the evening by unveiling plans for next month’s raffle, with the grand prize advertised as “a working scoreboard light bulb, or $5 cash—winner’s choice.”
COACH POINTS OUT $5.15 STILL MORE THAN ASSISTANT MAKES FOR DRIVING BUS
LYNCHBURG, VA — Coach Martin Hayes confirmed yesterday that the program’s new “stipend increase” brings the team manager’s hourly wage to $5.15—“a full twelve cents more than what we’re paying our assistant coach to drive the bus on away trips.”
Hayes, who has collected four seasons’ worth of clipboard fragments and a deep knowledge of district reimbursement forms, offered the comparison in response to questions about staff morale. “It’s all about making sure everyone feels valued,” Hayes said, glancing at the assistant coach, who was holding a gas-station coffee and a jug of windshield wiper fluid. “We run a tight ship. Sometimes that means the assistant gets to drive a 2003 Blue Bird with no heat through two counties for less than the price of a Gatorade.”
Sources inside the athletic department confirmed that the assistant coach, who is legally certified to operate a bus but not, technically, a scoreboard, receives an extra $11.25 per trip, minus a $5 deduction for “wear and tear on the seat upholstery.” The team manager, meanwhile, saw a wage hike after successfully lobbying to include “squeegeeing sweat puddles between JV quarters” as a paid duty.
“I just want the kids to know we’re investing in their future,” Hayes explained, idly picking dried tape off his whistle. “That’s why I always let my assistant coach drive the late bus—character development starts behind the wheel.”
Hayes said he plans to address any lingering pay concerns during next week’s staff meeting, scheduled immediately after his overnight shift running the snack bar.
FACTBALL 3000
The official rulebook states that any team attending three summer leagues in June automatically qualifies for the NBA Finals.
CHALKDUST AND TRUTH: THE HUDDLE
“I told the team to speak up, and suddenly everyone was confessing to crime. We went 13–14 that season until Jimmy got pressed into service.”
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH DEREK JETER
Published: July 2025
As baseball’s perennial poster child for professionalism, Derek Jeter has seamlessly transitioned from Yankee pinstripes to boardroom pinstripes, keeping his image as unblemished as his trophy cabinet. With a Hall of Fame career, a series of business ventures, and that ever-mysterious aura, Jeter sits down with us to discuss life after baseball, the perils of perfection, and the art of winning both on the field and in the tabloids.
American Courtside: You’ve gone from team captain to CEO. Has it been hard trading the dugout for the boardroom?
Derek Jeter: If anything, it’s quieter —nobody spits sunflower seeds in meetings.
American Courtside: Your “squeaky clean” image is legendary. How do you maintain it in an age when every phone is a tabloid?
Derek Jeter: Easy —I treat every room like there’s a camera rolling and every handshake like there’s a lawyer present.
American Courtside: There are persistent rumors about your “gift baskets” for overnight guests. Any comment?
Derek Jeter: I can neither confirm nor deny, but let’s just say I believe in leaving people with a parting gift and a non-disclosure agreement.
American Courtside: You’re often cited as the ultimate team player, but your contract negotiations were famously ruthless. How do you square the two?
Derek Jeter: Look, I’m all about the team —especially when the team fights for my signing bonus. Call it “collaborative capitalism.”
American Courtside: You’re a five-time Gold Glove winner, but advanced stats haven’t always been as flattering. Thoughts?
Derek Jeter: Numbers don’t always tell the story.
American Courtside: If you could teach a master class, would it be on leadership, fielding, or branding?
Derek Jeter: Branding, obviously. I built a career out of being untouchable —on and off the field.
American Courtside: You’ve become a philanthropist, media owner, and executive. Anything you miss about your playing days?
Derek Jeter: I miss the silence after a walk-off. These days, the only thing that greets me after a big deal is a congratulatory email —and it’s always reply-all.
American Courtside: You’ve dated models, actresses, and are the subject of endless gossip columns. What’s the wildest thing you’ve read about yourself?
Derek Jeter: That I had a secret tunnel from my apartment to Central Park. If only —I could’ve used it to avoid the paparazzi and the Yankees’ front office.
American Courtside: You were inducted into the Hall of Fame with nearly a unanimous vote. How did it feel to be so close to perfection?
Derek Jeter: Honestly? I’m just glad to know that one voter out there is still holding out for my defensive metrics.
American Courtside: Final question: What’s the secret to being “Captain Clutch” —on the field and in life?
Derek Jeter: Smile, say all the right things, and never let them see you sweat. 🙂
Coach B
Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
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