SCHOOL BOARD APPOINTS TALKING RAVEN AS SUBSTITUTE REF: CITES COST EFFICIENCIES
SCHOOL BOARD APPOINTS TALKING RAVEN AS SUBSTITUTE REF: CITES “COST EFFICIENCIES”
SCRANTON, PA — The local school board announced Thursday that a talking raven will serve as emergency substitute referee for the remainder of the basketball season, citing “cost efficiencies” and the bird’s “unique ability to remain impartial, or at least disinterested.” The raven, named Edgar, will officiate a minimum of eight games this winter, filling in for the region’s ongoing referee shortage.
Coaches received a single-page memo notifying them of the board’s decision, stapled to a budget worksheet printed on the back of last year’s JV roster. The memo politely encouraged coaches to “embrace innovative approaches to game management in light of fiscal realities.”
“I’ll be honest, I wasn’t expecting a bird,” admitted Coach Donnelly, who had previously filled in as a ref himself, using a whistle zip-tied to his lanyard. “But Edgar’s got a commanding presence. He just sits at halfcourt, croaks ‘Travel’ every so often, and the kids seem to listen. That’s about what we get from some of the regular guys, to be fair.”
The raven is reportedly trained to vocalize phrases such as “Hands off!” and “Line violation,” though it occasionally interjects with unsolicited poetry or requests for shiny objects. “Honestly, the bird’s more consistent than the last substitute, who left at halftime to catch his bowling league,” Donnelly added, gesturing toward a clipboard with a suspicious beak mark in the corner.
The board has already floated the possibility of deploying a flock for tournament week, pending the outcome of Edgar’s pilot run. Meanwhile, Donnelly has submitted a formal request for a parrot side judge “in case we need someone to keep the book.”
BOOSTER CLUB WARNS RIVAL COACH STILL AT LARGE AFTER LAST YEAR’S OVERTIME WIN
SPRINGFIELD, MO — Booster Club president Terry Middleton issued a statement Thursday reminding parents and players that the rival coach responsible for last year’s controversial overtime victory remains “at large and presumably plotting inbound plays.” The advisory, sent via mass email at 5:12 a.m., asks the community to “remain vigilant” and “report any unfamiliar clipboards or suspicious zone calls” in the school parking lot.
“Our safety protocols are in place,” Middleton said, standing near the concessions stand while taping up motivational flyers over last month’s bake sale failures. “We still don’t know how he drew up that baseline out-of-bounds set with six seconds left. Until someone can explain the double screen, we’ll be operating on high alert.”
Head coach Brad Flanders echoed the warning, noting that the opposing coach’s whereabouts are unknown but “his laminated play diagrams could surface anywhere—including, but not limited to, the back gym or teacher’s lounge.” Flanders was seen triple-checking the lock on the ball rack and quietly removing all Expo markers from the scorer’s table.
“Let’s not forget, he’s the type who brings his own stat sheet to coin flips,” Flanders stated, referencing the rival’s documented use of both a dry-erase board and a Sharpie in the same timeout. “We’ve told staff to immediately report any unfamiliar whistling patterns or sightings of a man in quarter-zip Nike gear.”
School officials have assured families that the maintenance team will be sweeping for stray play diagrams before all home games. As a final measure, Coach Flanders has scheduled an extra walk-through in the cafeteria to “ensure no rival sets are hidden behind the milk cooler.”
FACTBALL 3000
The Millbrook Mustangs once went through seven referees in a single night —all thanks to a school-wide chili cook-off that coincided with their 2013 homecoming game.
CHALK DUST AND TRUTH: ROSTER MATH
I once had to spend more time explaining how we ended up with seven players than I did drawing up plays. The whiteboard ended up feeling like a hostage negotiation.
We went 10–7 that season until the team mascot accidentally booked us all for a tandem skydiving lesson.
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH YOUR UNCLE RICO
Published: July 2025
In light of his recent, unconventional foray into girls’ basketball clinics and motivational halftime speeches, American Courtside sits down with Your Uncle Rico —high school football’s most persistent memory —to discuss the art of reliving the past and the business of moving forward, one quarterback sneak at a time.
American Courtside: You recently gave a halftime speech to the local girls’ basketball team that many called “unexpectedly inspiring.” What was your approach?
Your Uncle Rico: Well, first I told ‘em about my arm —how I could throw a pigskin a quarter mile. Once you’ve set the bar that high, anything’s possible, even free throws. I call it the “Boomstick Mindset.”
American Courtside: You’ve built quite the brand on your high school football legacy. Do you ever worry about living in the past?
Your Uncle Rico: The past is like a highlight reel —they don’t call ‘em lowlight reels, do they? Nostalgia is undefeated, baby. And besides, my new Youth Clinic shirts say, “Glory Days are Forever.” Limited edition.
American Courtside: What inspired your pivot from football to mentoring girls’ basketball teams?
Your Uncle Rico: Honestly, the court’s just a field with boundaries, if you think about it. Plus, I read somewhere that success is 90% confidence and 10% knowing where the sideline is. So, why not share my gift?
American Courtside: You’re now selling “time machine life coaching packages.” What exactly do those entail?
Your Uncle Rico: For three easy payments, I’ll teach you how to visualize your peak —mine’s ‘82, state semifinals. You’ll get a motivational VHS, a signed football, and a coupon for my upcoming online course: “Reverse Aging with Rico.”
American Courtside: Some say your coaching methods are… unconventional. Any response?
Your Uncle Rico: If “unconventional” means running “The Quarterback Sneak” at the top of the key, then guilty as charged. Sometimes you have to confuse the opponent —and frankly, your own team —for true innovation.
American Courtside: You’ve been called the “alpha-male motivational speaker for the insecure.” Thoughts?
Your Uncle Rico: Look, it takes real guts to wear a sleeveless tee at a school assembly in February. If that’s alpha, so be it. But I’m really just teaching kids to flex their potential, and maybe their triceps.
American Courtside: What’s your proudest achievement from your coaching adventures?
Your Uncle Rico: Once had a whole junior high team believe the secret to winning was channeling their “inner quarterback.” Sure, we got disqualified for illegal forward passes, but morale was sky high.
American Courtside: Any advice for today’s aspiring athletes —or motivational entrepreneurs?
Your Uncle Rico: Two things: never stop pitching your product, and always keep a football handy. You never know when you’ll need to demonstrate a perfect spiral or distract a rival coach.
American Courtside: Final question —if you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
Your Uncle Rico: Only one thing: I’d start selling my wisdom sooner. Regret is for people who don’t have business cards with their own face on ‘em. You want one?
Coach B
Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
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