REFEREES NOW REQUIRED TO WEAR GLITTERY CAPES TO BOOST TICKET SALES

DENTON, TX — The National Federation of State High School Associations (NFHS) announced a new initiative Wednesday to address declining basketball ticket sales, mandating that referees wear glittery capes for all varsity contests beginning next season. The ruling, described by officials as “a critical step toward enhancing fan engagement,” follows a yearlong pilot program in which select junior varsity referees donned sequined accessories during games in the greater Omaha area.

“We noticed a 2.3% uptick in concessions revenue whenever an official’s cape sparkled under the gym lights,” said NFHS spokesperson Linda Murray, who cited extensive research from the Entertainment Value Interscholastic Task Force. “Frankly, fans haven’t been this excited about officiating since that time in ’97 when a ref tripped over the scorer’s table and spilled nacho cheese everywhere.”

To ensure uniformity, capes must be “at least elbow-length, boast a minimum of 600 rhinestones, and coordinate with school colors when possible.” Officials are also encouraged to debut “power poses” during timeouts, though no further choreography is required.

Reactions among coaches have been mixed. “I’m just hoping the capes don’t get caught in the ball rack again,” said Coach Terry Lenhart, whose team lost a crucial timeout last season when a referee’s cloak became entangled during a substitution. “But if this means fewer parents emailing me about the ‘bias’ of the guy in the blue glitter, it’s worth it.”

Player response has been largely indifferent, with one point guard noting, “I’m just here to post my highlights on TikTok. If a ref wants to look like a disco Batman, that’s cool.”

The NFHS maintains that any “bedazzled whistle lanyards” remain strictly optional, pending further study.

LOCAL COACH PROPOSES DEATH PENALTY FOR PARENTS WHO FORGET SNACK DUTY

TULSA, OK — Citing an ongoing epidemic of forgotten orange slices and Capri Suns, Coach Randall Ertz of Eastview High School’s JV basketball team has formally proposed instituting capital punishment for parents who fail to provide snacks on their assigned day.

At a recent PTA meeting, Ertz presented a color-coded PowerPoint tracking snack duty compliance since 2019, which revealed a 12% “catastrophic failure rate,” including two instances of no snack at all and one “deeply troubling” delivery of celery sticks with no ranch. “We have tried polite reminders, passive-aggressive emails, and public shaming in the gym lobby,” said Ertz, motioning toward a laminated ‘Snack Offenders’ wall of shame. “It is time for more decisive action.”

Under the proposed system, snack-forgetters would be given a 15-minute grace period to produce a mid-game carbohydrate source before being escorted to a hastily constructed gallows outside the gymnasium. The measure includes an appeals process, during which parents may argue that “traffic was bad” or “the store was out of Goldfish,” though such claims will be reviewed only by a panel of eighth graders.

Parent Leslie McMurray, who once supplied unsanctioned granola bars, expressed mixed feelings. “No one wants to see capital punishment brought to the snack table, but I do understand the seriousness of the situation. The kids were listless for the whole fourth quarter.”

Senior referee Bill Gorski expressed support for the proposal, noting, “It’s hard to ref a game when half the bench is hypoglycemic. Maybe this’ll finally bring some accountability.”

The school board has agreed to consider the measure, pending a nutritional analysis and consultation with the district’s legal counsel.

OHIO POLICE FIND RACCOON HOLDING METH PIPE DURING TRAFFIC STOP

Officers in Ohio made headlines after stopping a car and discovering a raccoon in the passenger seat clutching a meth pipe. What do you say?

• “Frankly, I’ve seen JV bus rides weirder than this and with just as much wildlife.” — Brian O’Neal (Athletic Director)
• “That’s nothing. At last year’s away game, we found a possum running the scoreboard.” — Dave Henson (Custodial Staff)
• “If it can box out and set a good screen, I’m not asking questions.” — Latasha Green (WNBA Scout)

AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH WILL SMITH

Will Smith sits down with American Courtside to discuss his latest action film, reflections on personal growth post-Oscars, and the ever-watchful eye of the public on his family life. The Hollywood icon opens up about balancing blockbuster stardom with his signature motivational optimism —and a few unpredictable plot twists along the way.

American Courtside: Will, your new action film is about to hit theaters. What made you say yes to this role?

Will Smith: Funny story —I actually said “no” at first, but my agent reminded me that I haven’t exploded anything on-screen since last summer.

American Courtside: You’ve been very public about your journey after the Oscars. Any wisdom for handling viral moments?

Will Smith: Absolutely. When life gives you lemons, slap them. Just kidding! (I’m legally required to say that.) Honestly, growth is about learning from your slips, your trips, and those times you accidentally turn the world’s fanciest awards show into family therapy.

American Courtside: Your social media is relentlessly positive. Is the real Will always this upbeat?

Will Smith: Look, I wake up every morning, stare in the mirror and say, “Today, you’re not going to overshare on Instagram.” By noon, I’ve posted my breakfast, a motivational monologue, and a complex flowchart of my feelings. So, yes —relentless.

American Courtside: After 25 years, you and Jada are still making headlines. How do you manage the scrutiny?

Will Smith: We like to keep our marriage spicy by treating tabloids like a group chat —overshare with reckless abandon, then act surprised when everybody’s talking about it.

American Courtside: You’ve branded yourself as “everyman,” but let’s be honest —you’re a blockbuster megastar with a skydiving habit.

Will Smith: Aw, come on! Don’t we all jump out of planes for our birthdays? Look, my job is to be relatable. That’s why I film YouTube vlogs from my $4 million kitchen while rapping about recycling.

American Courtside: You’ve played everything from aliens to motivational dads. Any roles left on your bucket list?

Will Smith: I’m holding out for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

American Courtside: Your family’s in the spotlight, too —Jaden and Willow are both stars. Is there a Smith family group chat?

Will Smith: There is, but every message is just a cryptic haiku or Jaden sending existential memes. Willow once texted an entire song.

American Courtside: You’ve conquered music, TV, film, and YouTube. Any advice for young creatives craving that kind of versatility?

Will Smith: Stay curious and never say no to skydiving —or at least say yes if there’s a camera.

American Courtside: With so many achievements, how do you keep yourself humble?

Will Smith: Easy. Every time I start feeling too successful, my kids remind me I’m “cringe,” or my wife drops a bombshell on Red Table Talk.

American Courtside: Finally, what’s next for Will Smith?

Will Smith: I’m exploring a new project: “Will Smith’s Guide to Getting Cancelled Gracefully.” It’s a mix of stand-up, skydiving, and family counseling. I’m pitching it to the usual streaming sites. They need content!