AMERICAN COURTSIDE -REFEREE GIVES RED FLAG FOR ANYONE SUGGESTING HIS CALLS WERE WRONG
REFEREE GIVES RED FLAG FOR ANYONE SUGGESTING HIS CALLS WERE WRONG
LANSING, MI — Referee Martin Felder reached into his pocket and produced a red flag during Tuesday night’s varsity matchup between the Northside Cougars and the Eastwood Jets, immediately penalizing anyone who suggested his calls were incorrect. The move, which introduced a penalty system previously exclusive to football, was met with a mixture of confusion and brisk compliance as coaches, players, and one parent in Section D were flagged for questioning Felder’s decision-making.
“I saw Coach Dunlop raise his eyebrows after I called a travel on his point guard, so that’s a red flag,” Felder explained after the game, methodically sorting through a Ziploc bag labeled ‘Flag Inventory.’ “If you so much as mutter ‘hmm’ or exhale sharply, that’s encroachment on my authority. I take this very seriously.”
Players quickly adjusted to avoid triggering the new penalty. Senior guard Malik Travers resorted to writing all questions about officiating on Post-it notes, sliding them under the scorer’s table for review. “I just needed clarification on why my layup was ruled ‘excessive optimism,’” Travers said, clutching a yellow slip reading, ‘Flag: Overexuberant Dribble.’
Parent Brenda Kowalski received a red flag for “gesticulating ambiguously” during the third quarter. “I was just stretching my arms,” Kowalski said. “But the referee said any non-regulation limb movement was a challenge to his integrity.”
According to Felder, the system will soon expand to include blue flags for “preemptive skepticism” and polka-dot flags for “smirking during free throws.” He noted that he had run out of red flags by the fourth quarter but resorted to using his emergency supply of napkins from the concession stand.
“I feel this brings much-needed order to the game,” Felder said, handing out pamphlets titled ‘Respect the Whistle: A Guide to Appreciating My Decisions.’
HIGH SCHOOL COACHES BAFFLED BY NEW STATE MANDATE ON FREE THROWS
A new state mandate requires all high school basketball teams to complete 100 free throws in every practice. What do you say?
- “I’m not saying I’m against free throws, but my players might start charging me for overtime if we keep this up!” –Cathy “The Rulebook” Hudson, 42, Girls’ Basketball Coach
- “100 free throws? Do they have to swish? Who enforces this? –Jake “The Strategist” Thompson, 38, Athletic Director
- “Oh it doesn’t bother me. I’m just here for the snacks!” –Linda “The Motivator” Hayes, 30, Booster Mom
- “Are we trying to improve our shooting average, or is this the thin wedge of the police state. Because I’m down for either! –Mark Davis, 45, Assistant Coach
- “Back in my day, we just made them run laps until they could shoot!” –Pat “The Veteran” O’Connor, 55, Retired Coach
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH STEPH CURRY
Published: May 5, 2025
Amidst a whirlwind season that saw him claim another MVP title, break yet more three-point records, and launch a youth basketball initiative, Steph Curry sits down with us to discuss his ever-expanding legacy, branding ventures, and the occasional accidental TikTok dance craze.
American Courtside: Warriors fans are still buzzing after your record-breaking three-pointer performance. Did you know you were about to make history, or was it just another “humble” night at the office?
Steph Curry: I’d say I had no clue, but my Fitbit actually vibrates every time I break another league record. Honestly, I just try to stay grounded. I have this service that gets helicopters to fly in a formation that spells out “HUMILITY” when I’m commuting.
American Courtside: You’re known as the “humble superstar,” but your new Curry Brand just dropped limited-edition diamond-encrusted sneakers. How do you keep it so real?
Steph Curry: It’s all about modesty. That’s why the diamond sneakers come with a free coupon for a half-price burger.
American Courtside: You’re credited with changing the way basketball is played, but some say you “ruined” the game with your three-point shooting. How do you respond?
Steph Curry: I sincerely apologize for all the heartburn. In recompense, I shall now exclusively shoot from the parking lot and never cut my hair!
American Courtside: Your family-friendly image is everywhere, but recently you were seen in a viral music video. Is this the new direction for the Curry brand?
Steph Curry: I actually thought “going viral” was a medical condition.
American Courtside: You just launched an initiative promoting youth basketball. How hands-on are you with these programs?
Steph Curry: I personally approve every drill —remotely, from a golf cart. The goal is to teach kids the fundamentals, like how to get a shoe deal before puberty.
American Courtside: Your family is social media royalty. Do your kids ever outshine you online?
Steph Curry: Absolutely. Last week Riley’s TikTok got 2 million views. I told her, “That’s great, but can you hit a contested three with a mouthguard hanging out of your mouth?” She said, “Dad, can you get 2 million likes for doing your taxes?” Touché.
American Courtside: You’re an avid golfer. Do you see yourself going pro after basketball?
Steph Curry: I’m hoping to revolutionize golf by introducing a four-point putt. You want points in golf, right?
American Courtside: With so many MVPs, records, and now a documentary, do you ever get tired of being underrated?
Steph Curry: It keeps me motivated. Every time someone calls me “underrated,” I add another trophy to the guest bathroom.
American Courtside: Is there pressure to keep up your “family values” persona while your brand explodes across pop culture?
Steph Curry: It’s tough. Last week, I was asked to star in a gritty HBO crime drama as myself. I turned it down —unless they let Ayesha guest star as my sidekick and I also get to play the villain.
American Courtside: Final question: Any advice for young players aspiring to change the game like you?
Steph Curry: Stay humble, work hard, and never let anyone tell you you’re ruining basketball —unless you are, in which case, make sure you have a catchy dance ready for TikTok. 