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DISTRICT ANNOUNCES THAT GIRL’S BASKETBALL PRACTICE CAN NOW OCCUR ONLY WHEN MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE DENTON, TX — District officials this week unveiled a revised gym usage schedule that, according to new policy, limits girls’ basketball practice times to “when Mercury is in retrograde, or when the home economics sewing machines are on the fritz,…

SCHOOL BOARD APPOINTS TALKING RAVEN AS SUBSTITUTE REF: CITES “COST EFFICIENCIES” SCRANTON, PA — The local school board announced Thursday that a talking raven will serve as emergency substitute referee for the remainder of the basketball season, citing “cost efficiencies” and the bird’s “unique ability to remain impartial, or at least disinterested.” The raven, named…

  CLERICAL ERROR PUTS LOCAL GYM TEACHER IN CHARGE OF SCHOOL MUSKRAT FARM BROOKSVILLE, KY — A recent administrative oversight has left head basketball coach and part-time gym teacher, Coach Whitaker, overseeing the newly reassigned position of Muskrat Farm Supervisor—a role he learned about via a reply-all email from the district office. “I’m used to…

CONCESSION STAND UNVEILS NEW $30 HOT DOG HELENA, MT — The varsity basketball program’s annual budget shortfall met its match this week, as the concession stand introduced a $30 premium hot dog, prompting head coach Jim LaRoche to call it “a bold step in sustainable funding.” Located between the broken nacho warmer and the Gatorade…

COACH BOOSTER CLUB PRESIDENT WINS TEAM RAFFLE, IMMEDIATELY DONATES FUNDS FOR NEW SCOREBOARD BISMARCK, ND — The varsity basketball program’s annual winter raffle concluded last Friday with an unexpected twist when Booster Club President Carol Mendez drew her own name from the collection of 74 tickets, promptly announcing the full $312 in proceeds would be…

JV MASCOT DEPLOYED TO CALM COACH AFTER QUESTIONABLE REF CALL YUBA CITY, CA — JV mascot “Earnie the Eagle” was summoned from the student section Tuesday night after varsity coach Matilda Harlan exhibited what athletic department officials described as “light to moderate clipboard distress” following a late-game traveling call. Witnesses say the incident occurred with…

COACH CALLS FOR STRICTER CONTROLS ON PLAYERS BRINGING SCENTED CANDLES ON THE BUS ELK GROVE, IL — Varsity basketball coach Martin Kelly announced Tuesday a new policy aimed at curbing what he called “an unchecked epidemic of scented candles” on the team bus. The move comes after multiple team trips were reportedly “compromised by conflicting…

COACH POINTS OUT TEAM’S FREE-THROW PERCENTAGES MORE CONCERNING THAN YEARBOOK TYPOS SCRANTON, PA — Varsity basketball coach Tom Laskey has officially informed school administration that, while he appreciates the thoroughness of this year’s yearbook proofreading committee, his primary concern remains the team’s collective inability to convert free throws, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’m not saying the…

NEW STUDY FINDS VARSITY STARTERS JUST REALLY DETERMINED BENCH PLAYERS BROOKSVILLE, KY — A recent study released by the Institute for Athletic Realities confirmed Monday what many high school basketball coaches have suspected for years: varsity starters are simply bench players who refuse to sit down. The report, which analyzed over 200 high school programs,…

COACH STILL CAN’T BELIEVE TEAM ATE ENTIRE BUS COOLER BEFORE TIP-OFF HELENA, MT — Coach Mark Elliot says he’s “reviewing protocols” after his varsity squad reportedly consumed the entire contents of the team bus cooler—intended for postgame recovery—before even unloading at the away gym Tuesday night. According to staff, the cooler, a 64-quart orange jug…