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SCHOOL TOUR FOR NEW RECRUITS ENDS IN AGGRESSIVE LECTURE ON PROPER HYDRATION BROOKSVILLE, KY — Assistant basketball coach Darren Kessler paused the annual gymnasium tour for incoming freshmen Wednesday to deliver a 48-minute PowerPoint presentation on the dangers of mild dehydration and the proper use of squeeze bottles. Sources report that the prospective recruits—who had…

COACH REFUSES TO RULE OUT FULL-COURT DEFENSE SPRINGFIELD, MO — Coach Refuses to Rule Out Full-Court Defense In a statement that has since sent shockwaves through the local high school basketball community, Springfield High School’s head coach, Sam “The Strategist” Henderson, declared that she is “not ruling out” the possibility of employing a full-court defense…

SPRINGFIELD, MO— TEAM BANQUET REPLACES GUEST SPEAKER WITH AWKWARD SILENCE The Springfield High School Eagles’ annual basketball banquet took an unexpected turn this past Saturday when the coaching staff opted to replace a scheduled guest speaker with a prolonged, collective silence, leaving attendees both bewildered and contemplative.  Originally slated to feature motivational speaker and former college…