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LOCAL COACH BENCH PRESSES 300 POUNDS TO PROVE “SHE CAN HANDLE MORE THAN JUST GAME DAY PRESSURE” SPRINGFIELD, MO — Varsity girls’ basketball coach Marissa Dalton reportedly benched 300 pounds in the school weight room Tuesday morning, pausing midway through a set to clarify that her strength “extends well beyond responding to parent emails and…

SURVEY: 92% OF COACHES ADMIT PRE-GAME SPEECH IS JUST QUOTING “REMEMBER THE TITANS” IN FANCY SUNGLASSES BISMARCK, ND — A recent nationwide survey of high school basketball coaches has revealed that 92% of pre-game speeches are, in fact, extended passages from “Remember the Titans” delivered while wearing recently purchased sunglasses—regardless of the indoor setting. Researchers…

GATORADE SIGNS LIFETIME DEAL TO BE OFFICIAL BEVERAGE OF GYM FLOOR DURING TIMEOUTS, SPILLS GUARANTEED THROUGH 2035 SPRINGFIELD, MO — Gatorade has inked an unprecedented lifetime partnership to become the exclusive beverage adorning high school gym floors during timeouts, securing guaranteed spills through at least 2035, sources confirmed Wednesday. The deal, valued at “several mop…

COACH VERY OBVIOUSLY RECENTLY FINISHED INSPIRATIONAL BOOK ABOUT “GRIT” SPRINGFIELD, MO — Members of the Valley High School boys’ basketball team confirmed Thursday that head coach Greg Larkin has, at some point in the past 48 hours, completed a book about “grit,” as evidenced by a sudden uptick in references to “mental toughness,” “resilience,” and…

Athletic Director Questions $1.25 Million in Funds for New Mascot Costume YUBA CITY, CA — The Westville High School athletic department is under scrutiny this week after the basketball program submitted a formal request for $1.25 million to commission a new Bobcat mascot costume, prompting Athletic Director Mark Donnelly to request “itemized justification for line…

Local Coach Recommends “Faking a Stroke” as New Defensive Strategy SPRINGFIELD, MO — Area high school basketball coach Greg Landry is drawing attention at Monday’s regional clinic after recommending “faking a minor stroke” as an effective new method for slowing fast breaks and confusing opposing scorers. During a PowerPoint presentation that included annotated GIFs and…

Team Celebration Accidentally Orders 100 Vegan Pizzas BEND, OR — The Westville High varsity basketball team gathered for their annual end-of-season celebration Friday night, only to discover that every one of the 100 pizzas delivered to the gym was vegan. The incident occurred after team manager Tyler Brooks, a sophomore, reportedly misclicked while placing the…

SENIOR NIGHT ENDS IN CHAOS AFTER PLAYERS CONFUSE REFEREE WITH NEW MASCOT LANSING, MI — Senior Night festivities at Eastville High took an unexpected turn Tuesday when members of the varsity basketball team mistook longtime referee Carl Wimple for the school’s recently unveiled mascot, the Eastville Fighting Turnip. The confusion began during pregame warmups as…

GYM FLOOR DECLARED SACRED GROUND AFTER EPIC DOUBLE‑OVERTIME GAME BISMARCK, ND — Following last Friday’s double‑overtime thriller between the Millbrook Monarchs and the Glendale Griffins, the Millbrook High School gymnasium floor has been officially declared sacred ground by unanimous vote of the school board and custodial staff. The declaration came hours after the Monarchs emerged victorious, 74‑72, in…

REFEREES NOW REQUIRED TO WEAR GLITTERY CAPES TO BOOST TICKET SALES DENTON, TX — The National Federation of State High School Associations (NFHS) announced a new initiative Wednesday to address declining basketball ticket sales, mandating that referees wear glittery capes for all varsity contests beginning next season. The ruling, described by officials as “a critical…