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GYM FLOOR DECLARED SACRED GROUND AFTER EPIC DOUBLE‑OVERTIME GAME BISMARCK, ND — Following last Friday’s double‑overtime thriller between the Millbrook Monarchs and the Glendale Griffins, the Millbrook High School gymnasium floor has been officially declared sacred ground by unanimous vote of the school board and custodial staff. The declaration came hours after the Monarchs emerged victorious, 74‑72, in…

REFEREES NOW REQUIRED TO WEAR GLITTERY CAPES TO BOOST TICKET SALES DENTON, TX — The National Federation of State High School Associations (NFHS) announced a new initiative Wednesday to address declining basketball ticket sales, mandating that referees wear glittery capes for all varsity contests beginning next season. The ruling, described by officials as “a critical…

REFEREE GIVES RED FLAG FOR ANYONE SUGGESTING HIS CALLS WERE WRONG LANSING, MI — Referee Martin Felder reached into his pocket and produced a red flag during Tuesday night’s varsity matchup between the Northside Cougars and the Eastwood Jets, immediately penalizing anyone who suggested his calls were incorrect. The move, which introduced a penalty system…

SCHOOL TOUR FOR NEW RECRUITS ENDS IN AGGRESSIVE LECTURE ON PROPER HYDRATION BROOKSVILLE, KY — Assistant basketball coach Darren Kessler paused the annual gymnasium tour for incoming freshmen Wednesday to deliver a 48-minute PowerPoint presentation on the dangers of mild dehydration and the proper use of squeeze bottles. Sources report that the prospective recruits—who had…

COACH REFUSES TO RULE OUT FULL-COURT DEFENSE SPRINGFIELD, MO — Coach Refuses to Rule Out Full-Court Defense In a statement that has since sent shockwaves through the local high school basketball community, Springfield High School’s head coach, Sam “The Strategist” Henderson, declared that she is “not ruling out” the possibility of employing a full-court defense…

SPRINGFIELD, MO— TEAM BANQUET REPLACES GUEST SPEAKER WITH AWKWARD SILENCE The Springfield High School Eagles’ annual basketball banquet took an unexpected turn this past Saturday when the coaching staff opted to replace a scheduled guest speaker with a prolonged, collective silence, leaving attendees both bewildered and contemplative.  Originally slated to feature motivational speaker and former college…