COACH BANISHED FOR BRINGING WATER, NOT CODE RED, ON TEAM BUS
COACH STILL CAN’T BELIEVE TEAM ATE ENTIRE BUS COOLER BEFORE TIP-OFF
HELENA, MT — Coach Mark Elliot says he’s “reviewing protocols” after his varsity squad reportedly consumed the entire contents of the team bus cooler—intended for postgame recovery—before even unloading at the away gym Tuesday night.
According to staff, the cooler, a 64-quart orange jug labeled “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL FINAL BUZZER,” was discovered empty except for two half-melted ice packs and a single unopened pickle spear. “We had enough orange slices, granola bars, and questionable deli meat for a roster of twelve, plus three managers,” Elliot explained, holding up a damp paper towel that may once have wrapped a ham sandwich. “By the time we parked, nothing left but the lingering aroma of fruit snacks and regret.”
Players reportedly began opening the cooler the moment the bus hit a red light outside the rival high school. Assistant coach Linda Park noticed a trail of Cheeto dust leading from the back row all the way to the front, though no one has formally admitted to taking the last Capri Sun. “I get it, bus rides make you hungry,” Elliot said. “But we’re going to have to start rationing snacks like it’s pioneer times, or just switch to raw carrots and hope for the best.”
Sources confirm the AD was briefly consulted about “locking mechanisms for coolers,” but ultimately decided to allocate the funds for new gaffer tape instead.
For this Friday’s road game, Coach Elliot announced that all snacks will be distributed via labeled Ziploc bags and hand-counted before each departure. “If this works, next I’ll tackle the mystery of who keeps taking the Sharpies out of my whistle drawer,” he added, already eyeing the JV roster for likely suspects.
COACH BANISHED FOR BRINGING WATER, NOT CODE RED, ON TEAM BUS
DENTON, TX — A local high school basketball coach was escorted from the team bus Tuesday night after committing what athletic department insiders are calling a “flagrant hydration violation”: supplying players with water instead of the traditional Code Red Mountain Dew for the drive to an away game.
Witnesses say Coach Melvin Dorsey was seen loading two cases of generic bottled water onto the bus, a move that instantly drew suspicious glances from veteran team members accustomed to the program’s decades-long Code Red ritual. “It was unsettling,” said assistant coach Carla Reddick, wiping a faint ring of red syrup from the armrest. “The bottles didn’t even have motivational stickers. Just water. Like we’re a swim team.”
Players reportedly gathered at the back of the bus, muttering about “electrolyte betrayal” while examining the clear bottles for any sign of caffeine. “Coach said water is ‘refreshing’ and ‘supports athletic performance,’” senior guard DeShawn C. explained, making air quotes. “But I didn’t see a single molecule of dye in there. We were all, like, is this even sanctioned?”
After a tense two-mile drive, the team voted, 8-2, to suspend Coach Dorsey’s bus privileges until he “readheres to beverage tradition.” The athletic director quietly intervened, offering a compromise: Gatorade powder administered only in Code Red–themed cups.
“I just thought water might be good for their kidneys,” Coach Dorsey said while collecting his clipboard fragments from the aisle. “But if the bylaws require a beverage that stains your tongue for 72 hours, I’ll start budgeting for it.”
Coach Dorsey has since announced plans to propose a “flavorless Code Red” as an offseason pilot program, pending approval from the booster club’s concessions committee.
FACTBALL QUOTE
The NBA officially banned the use of beach balls during summer league games after the infamous 1987 incident in Phoenix.
CHALKDUST AND TRUTH
The Game Plan
“I once traded scouting reports with Coach Dunlap, but when I opened his envelope, it was just a drawing of a potato with tiny sneakers.
That’s when I realized we both had the same game plan.”
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH STEVE KERR
With the Golden State Warriors’ playoff resilience in the headlines and a fresh contract extension inked, Steve Kerr remains both a fixture of sideline strategy and a vocal commentator on broader social issues. We sat down with the NBA’s most quotable coach to discuss basketball, billionaires, and the art of delivering a TED Talk disguised as a timeout.
American Courtside:
Congratulations on your contract extension. How many more Silicon Valley IPOs until you start charging rent on the Chase Center suites?
Steve Kerr:
If I get equity in a start-up every time I call a timeout, I’ll be the first coach with an offshore account in the metaverse.
American Courtside:
The Warriors are praised for their resilience. What’s the secret —a Zen mantra or a motivational Slack channel from Joe Lacob?
Steve Kerr:
Mostly group meditation, followed by a mandatory reading of venture capital term sheets. Culture is just synergy with a jump shot.
American Courtside:
You’re known as a champion for social justice. How do you juggle activism with, you know, coaching future NFT ambassadors?
Steve Kerr:
I speak truth to power —unless power is offering me a sponsorship deal or a limited edition bobblehead.
American Courtside:
You’re regarded as a “player’s coach.” How do you handle superstar egos in the age of personal brands and burner accounts?
Steve Kerr:
I balance egos the same way I balance rotations —awkwardly, publicly, and with plausible deniability.
American Courtside:
San Francisco’s tech elite owns your team. Ever get tech support from a billionaire during a timeout?
Steve Kerr:
Only if they’re troubleshooting “Why isn’t Steph’s three-point percentage updating in real time?” Spoiler: there’s no app for humility.
American Courtside:
You’re often hailed as the NBA’s philosopher king. Any plans to pivot to podcasting or just stick with locker room soliloquies?
Steve Kerr:
I considered a podcast, but my monologues are already sponsored by Gatorade and existential dread.
American Courtside:
You’ve won rings as both a player and coach. Which is harder: hitting a Finals three or convincing Draymond Green to skip a podcast taping?
Steve Kerr:
Draymond’s podcast is undefeated. Michael Jordan was easier to coach —he only punched me once.
American Courtside:
In press conferences, you oscillate between self-deprecation and political hot takes. Is that just for the cameras, or do you rehearse in the mirror?
Steve Kerr:
My mirror is tired of my monologues, but the teleprompter demands it. NBA dad jokes are extra.
American Courtside:
Rumor has it you’re secretly in talks to endorse a line of ethically sourced sweatbands. Any truth to that?
Steve Kerr:
Only if they’re made from recycled Silicon Valley Patagonia vests and come with a free lecture on civic responsibility.
American Courtside:
Any advice for aspiring coaches trying to balance social conscience with luxury box seating?
Steve Kerr:
Keep your values close and your suite access code closer. And remember: activism sounds best with good acoustics and courtside WiFi.
Coach B
Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
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