COACH CALLS FOR STRICTER CONTROLS ON PLAYERS BRINGING SCENTED CANDLES ON THE BUS
COACH CALLS FOR STRICTER CONTROLS ON PLAYERS BRINGING SCENTED CANDLES ON THE BUS
ELK GROVE, IL — Varsity basketball coach Martin Kelly announced Tuesday a new policy aimed at curbing what he called “an unchecked epidemic of scented candles” on the team bus. The move comes after multiple team trips were reportedly “compromised by conflicting aromas and heightened emotional volatility,” according to Kelly’s written statement, which was stapled to the back of the dusty first aid kit.
“We’ve got lavender battling pumpkin spice in the overhead bins. Meanwhile, my clipboard still smells like last week’s eucalyptus incident,” Kelly explained while wiping a streak of melted wax from a roll of athletic tape. “It’s become a distraction. I’m just trying to review our transition defense, not meditate.”
Team members, citing “personal rituals” and “bus ride vibes,” have increasingly brought candles to away games, especially since the introduction of Coach Kelly’s mindfulness handout—an initiative Kelly now calls “unintentionally enabling.” Assistant Coach Dunbar, who admits to once burning a vanilla bean votive after a tough loss, said he supports moderation. “It’s about balance. One tea light, fine. But when the JV bench is passing around a three-wick cinnamon monstrosity, it’s time for intervention.”
The new guidelines will limit each player to “a single, unscented candle no taller than a Gatorade bottle,” to be stored in the band instrument compartment. Coaches will also conduct a pre-boarding “candle check,” using a broken whistle on a lanyard to signal clearance.
Kelly insists the policy is about focus and safety, not stifling creativity. “Look, I want these kids to feel comfortable, but the only aroma I need is that of hard work and, maybe, bus upholstery. Next week, we’ll tackle whatever is causing the locker room to smell like burned popcorn.”
COACH VARSITY BUS ROSTER NOW BASED ON WHO CAN SURVIVE 30 MINUTES WITHOUT PHONE
SPRINGFIELD, MO — Varsity basketball coach Doug Halverson has unveiled a bold new approach to determining bus rosters this season: only players who can endure 30 consecutive minutes without a phone make the trip to away games. The initiative, described by Halverson as “next-gen distraction management,” replaces last year’s system of “whoever remembers to hand in their physical.”
“Look, we need competitors who can survive the elements—spotty Wi-Fi, malfunctioning aux cords, and, yes, no TikTok for half an hour,” Halverson explained from his office, where a whiteboard still bore the ghostly remnants of last season’s ‘Screen Time Reduction Pyramid’. “If you can’t go half an episode of a show without scrolling, I’m not sure you’ll survive the third quarter at Oak Ridge.”
Tryouts began Monday with players depositing their phones into a cracked plastic tub—formerly used for lost-and-found mouthguards—before boarding the team’s aging bus. By minute 14, two freshmen attempted to communicate via hand signals. At minute 22, one JV swingman asked if he could at least check his step count. By minute 28, the bus was silent except for the anxious squeaking of gaffer-taped sneakers and the sound of a Sharpie rolling off a clipboard.
Assistant coach Mallory Sykes expressed measured optimism. “It’s a culture shift,” she said. “The varsity bus might actually arrive with everyone having made eye contact at least once.”
Halverson is already considering a phase two pilot, in which the first player to request the team Spotify playlist will run the next film session using only a dry-erase board and their “imagination.”
FACTBALL 3000
In 1997, the NBA briefly allowed point guards to use fishing nets instead of basketball nets to encourage experimental plays.
CHALKDUST AND TRUTH
Last night I dreamed the team was a soup, and when I tasted it, the soup whispered, “Needs more point guard.”
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH YOUR UNCLE RICO
American Courtside: Your recent halftime speech inspired the girls’ basketball team to break their record. What exactly did you tell them?
Your Uncle Rico: I just told ‘em about the state playoffs, 1982. How belief —plus a little wrist action —can get a football, or a basketball, over any mountain. Works nine times outta ten. The tenth time, you blame the refs.
American Courtside: You’ve launched a youth basketball clinic for girls using “vintage QB skills.” Why choose football drills for basketball players?
Your Uncle Rico: Look, ball is ball. If my Boomstick Drill could toughen up a junior high backup kicker, it can handle a point guard. Besides, every sport’s just one Hail Mary away from victory —or, at minimum, overtime.
American Courtside: Your “Back in My Day” workshop is attracting local coaches and players. What’s the secret sauce?
Your Uncle Rico: It’s simple —confidence, polyester, and VHS tapes nobody else owns. I motivate with personal stories, mostly about me, but adaptable to any group. Especially if they don’t mind a tangent.
American Courtside: You’re known for selling Tupperware out of your van at games. How do football containers relate to athletic performance?
Your Uncle Rico: Organization —that’s the secret. You can’t win if your leftovers get soggy. My patented Tupper-Tote System keeps game snacks crisp and dreams fresher than a two-minute drill.
American Courtside: Many say your “glory days” fixation borders on… obsessive. How do you respond?
Your Uncle Rico: Obsessive? I call it legacy. If brands can re-release the same shoe for forty years, I can run the same play. I’m just staying on message —mine happens to be 1982.
American Courtside: What’s your advice for today’s young athletes chasing college scholarships?
Your Uncle Rico: Forget the recruiting sites. Record a VHS highlight, mail it to the coach, follow up every Tuesday, and always mention your arm strength —even if you play tennis.
American Courtside: Some see you as a self-help guru for the underdog. What’s your signature motivational tip?
Your Uncle Rico: Every morning, look in the rearview and ask: “Could I have thrown it further?” The answer is yes. Now hustle like you’re still in the fourth quarter, down six, with prom night on the line.
American Courtside: There are rumors you tried running football plays with a girls’ basketball team. True?
Your Uncle Rico: I prefer the term “cross-disciplinary innovation.” The Quarterback Sneak in hoops? Never saw it coming. The scorekeepers are still talking —mostly asking what sport we were playing.
American Courtside: Your brand is rugged masculinity, but results are… mixed. Are you ever tempted to rebrand?
Your Uncle Rico: Look, anyone can put on a headband and grunt. But it takes a real man to admit he peaked in ‘82 and still keeps showing up. That, my friend, is staying power —no rebrand required.
American Courtside: Any final word for aspiring legends who feel stuck in the past?
Your Uncle Rico: Life’s a highlight reel. Just make sure you’re always the one with the ball, the van, and the story that gets a little better every year.
Coach B
Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
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