CONCESSION STAND UNVEILS NEW $30 HOT DOG
CONCESSION STAND UNVEILS NEW $30 HOT DOG
HELENA, MT — The varsity basketball program’s annual budget shortfall met its match this week, as the concession stand introduced a $30 premium hot dog, prompting head coach Jim LaRoche to call it “a bold step in sustainable funding.” Located between the broken nacho warmer and the Gatorade bin with a mystery sticky ring, the new item debuted Friday night to a crowd of hungry parents and quietly skeptical assistant coaches.
“We ran the numbers, and it turns out we only need to sell three hot dogs per game to cover the cost of new practice basketballs,” LaRoche explained, using a Sharpie-stained whiteboard to diagram projected wiener revenue between timeouts. “It’s simple supply and demand. People said nobody would pay $30 for a hot dog, but people also said I couldn’t put together a man-to-man defense with two starters still at volleyball tryouts. You just have to believe.”
The deluxe dog arrives wrapped in last year’s unused fundraising flyers and comes with complimentary access to the team’s foam roller for ten minutes per purchase. Junior varsity guard Eli Jameson served as the inaugural customer, using his tip money from car washes, and described the taste as “warm,” with “just a hint of band-room air.”
Assistant coach Mark Willis voiced mild concern. “I guess we’re really leaning into the ‘premium’ experience since our buns are actually gluten-free hamburger rolls,” he said while refilling the ketchup bottle with packets from his glove compartment.
Coach LaRoche remains undeterred and is already looking ahead. “If this goes well, I’m rolling out the $50 courtside nachos next week. Comes with a seat on the bench and the chance to sub in if we drop below six players.”
SCHOOL ADMINISTRATION HIRES HOLOGRAPHIC CAT AS REF: CITE “LOW RISK OF INAPPROPRIATE TWEETS.”
SPRINGFIELD, MO — School officials announced Monday the introduction of a holographic cat referee at all varsity basketball games, citing a desire to “avoid social media mishaps and questionable calls.” The virtual feline, dubbed Referee Whiskers, debuted at last night’s home opener, reportedly spending most of the first quarter batting at a digital spot on the key.
Coach Tim Brown said he was initially skeptical but found the arrangement “refreshingly low stakes.” “Sure, Whiskers called three-second violations every time a player stopped to tie their shoes,” Brown remarked, gesturing at a clipboard with a paw-shaped crack down the middle. “But at least the calls are consistent. Plus, there’s zero chance of Whiskers DMing my starters after the game.”
According to the administration, the move comes after a district-wide referee shortage and “several spirited parent emails” questioning the impartiality of humans. “With Whiskers, we guarantee no bias,” said Assistant Principal Harlan, who spent halftime recalibrating the projector after the cat became fixated on the moving scoreboard. “And if you disagree with a call, just change the batteries.”
Some players admitted to confusion, particularly when the hologram curled up mid-game and refused to track play until offered a virtual treat. “We had to sub in our JV forward to mimic a laser pointer just to get the cat to enforce the shot clock,” Coach Brown noted, adding that the delay “at least gave our girls a chance to breathe, given our four-person bench.”
Officials say plans are underway to upgrade the cat to a full holographic officiating crew by playoffs, or until the JV band learns to play “meow” sound effects on command.
FACTBALL 3000
Every NBA timeout is officially required to include at least one interpretive dance to ensure players remember their teammates’ names.
CHALKDUST AND TRUTH: THE CLIPBOARD
“One timeout I asked if anyone had thoughts, everyone shouted the last Facebook post they could remember so loud it startled a flock of pigeons outside. We went 14–13 that season until the mayor had a stroke during a half-time performance.”
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH “KAREN”
Published: July 2025
In a year defined by courtside controversies and “Karen” memes splashed across both neighborhood Facebook groups and major brand campaigns, American Courtside sits down with the original archetype herself. Fresh off a string of sideline petitions and halftime power ballads, “Karen” addresses her critics, her brand, and the curious gap between public image and private practice.
American Courtside: You’ve recently demanded an official review after a referee’s call —yet overlooked your own team’s fouls. How do you reconcile your passion for “fairness”?
“Karen”: I believe in accountability. Especially for others. My team? We just play with, let’s say, interpretive integrity.
American Courtside: Brands have rolled out anti-Karen merchandise. How do you feel seeing “Karen” on mugs —sold by companies with their own checkered records?
“Karen”: I suppose nothing screams “corporate accountability” like a $24.99 mug. If only justice came with free shipping.
American Courtside: Social media’s full of influencers denouncing “Karen” behavior. Yet some have been spotted demanding upgrades on flights. Thoughts?
“Karen”: There’s nothing more empowering than publicly shaming entitlement right before you board early using your “gold” status.
American Courtside: You recently tried to replace regulation basketballs with “softer, more comfortable” versions for “player happiness.” What inspired that petition?
“Karen”: Player safety is paramount —provided it doesn’t interfere with my comfort. Besides, the only thing firmer than those balls is my stance.
American Courtside: Companies now hold “Karen awareness” training. Do you see this as progress or PR?
“Karen”: If there’s anything I love more than performative change, it’s a branded lanyard. Nothing says “deep self-reflection” like a PowerPoint and a coffee break.
American Courtside: You’re famous for spotting minor infractions from across the court. Is this your “lace intuition” at work?
“Karen”: Absolutely. Why bother watching the ball when you can police shoelaces?
American Courtside: There’s talk of you sidelining an entire varsity squad over their warm-up music. Were you genuinely offended, or just flexing authority?
“Karen”: It’s not about the music. It’s about letting everyone know who’s in charge of the Spotify queue.
American Courtside: If you could offer one piece of advice to future “Karens,” what would it be?
“Karen”: Always demand the manager, but never forget to hashtag #BeKind for the algorithm.
Coach B
Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
🏀 Not affiliated with any other parody site… but your mother might be. You should ask her!