DISTRICT ANNOUNCES THAT GIRL’S BASKETBALL PRACTICE CAN NOW OCCUR ONLY WHEN MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE
DISTRICT ANNOUNCES THAT GIRL’S BASKETBALL PRACTICE CAN NOW OCCUR ONLY WHEN MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE
DENTON, TX — District officials this week unveiled a revised gym usage schedule that, according to new policy, limits girls’ basketball practice times to “when Mercury is in retrograde, or when the home economics sewing machines are on the fritz, whichever comes last.” The announcement arrived via a seven-page Excel chart, color-coded in shades of taupe, during an all-coach lunch meeting in the wrestling storage closet.
Varsity coach Linda R. responded to the news with her trademark calm. “You get used to it,” she said, rolling up a faded practice plan printed on the back of last year’s volleyball bracket. “Last season we had to split the court with the chess club and the jazz band’s horn section. At least Mercury’s retrograde is a recurring event—I can plan around astrology.”
Assistant coach Marnie S. has started tracking planetary movements alongside the team’s stat sheets. “We’re updating the bulletin board so players know when to keep their shoes in their lockers,” she explained, stapling horoscope clippings to the practice schedule. “Only three more weeks until the next retrograde, and then we’ve got a solid 11 hours of gym time—if the Model U.N. doesn’t call dibs.”
District officials maintain that the policy aligns with broader facility equity goals. “It’s about maximizing cosmic synergy,” said one administrator, consulting a lunar calendar and a rotary phone. “Also, the custodial team can buff the floors during the waxing crescent.”
Despite logistical challenges, Coach Linda remains committed. “This just builds resilience,” she said, stuffing a clipboard and two spare ankle braces into her trunk. “If we’re still short on gym time, we’ll just hold practice in the parking lot during the next solar eclipse—weather permitting.”
VISITING TEAM ASSURED GYM NOT HAUNTED
HELENA, MT — Upon arrival for Friday’s non-conference matchup, the visiting high school basketball team was promptly reassured by custodial staff that the east-side bleachers, which emit a low moan and occasional whiff of menthol, were not haunted “in any meaningful way.” The reassurance came as the visitors unloaded gear next to a well-worn pile of ancient PE cones and a trophy case displaying “Most Improved Cafeteria Line, 1998.”
“I get it, sometimes the lights flicker and the temperature drops ten degrees during warmups, but it’s just this old building settling,” said home coach Rick Dorsey, brushing dust off his trusty clipboard, which he claims only rattles “when the game’s tight or the spirits are especially restless.” Dorsey explained that, to his knowledge, the location had seen “no more than three” unexplained technical fouls in any given season.
Players were observed stepping gingerly over a ring of spilled Gatorade stains and what appeared to be chalk outlines near the scorer’s table. One assistant coach, clutching a partially erased dry-erase board, calmly advised, “Just don’t sit in Row F, Seat 12. That’s reserved for Old Man Jenkins, may he rest in peace or at least keep his opinions to himself during timeouts.”
The school’s athletic director later confirmed the rumors were “mostly overblown,” citing the district’s recent investment in sage bundles, two air purifiers, and a new set of LED bulbs for the east corridor. “We’ve seen a 45% reduction in unexplainable cold spots since November,” he said.
Coach Dorsey concluded that unless the visitors intended to run a box-and-one on the supernatural, “they’ll be just fine.” He then announced plans to host a midnight shootaround, provided the janitor finishes exorcising the old climbing ropes.
FACTBALL 3000
The 2011 Stony Brook Bears assistant coach hold the record for the most parent emails about playing time in a single week—73— after a bench player hit a game-winning three against their cross-town rivals.
CHALK DUST AND TRUTH: NIL AND THE DIGITAL DANCE
A wise man once told me that discussing the shot clock with referees is like explaining jazz to a cat —no one can tell if anyone is even listening and everybody wants skritches.
We went 6–11 that season until the janitor started refereeing in clown shoes.
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH HUGH JACKMAN
Published: August 2025
As Hugh Jackman prepares to debut his highly anticipated new musical project while simultaneously lining up another big-budget action thriller, American Courtside sits down with the versatile Australian actor to discuss his uncanny ability to balance Broadway panache with blockbuster brawn.
American Courtside: You’ve just announced a major new musical, but your next film is an action thriller. Should we expect Wolverine to tap dance before punching anyone?
Hugh Jackman: That’s always been my dream. I just don’t think Broadway is ready for the true majesty of it.
American Courtside: How do you reconcile being “the nicest man in Hollywood” with the, let’s say, less cuddly ambition required to dominate stage, screen, and even coffee shops?
Hugh Jackman: Charm is just ruthless ambition with better lighting. I smile, I sing, I buy everyone a flat white. It’s almost too easy.
American Courtside: Your image oscillates between rugged Aussie bloke and international jet-setting superstar. Which Hugh wakes up in the morning?
Hugh Jackman: Depends —am I flying a private jet to the Tony Awards or teaching spelling in rural Sydney?
American Courtside: You’re known for intense fitness routines, especially for Wolverine. Any truth to rumors you were bench-pressing cast members between takes?
Hugh Jackman: Only Sir Ian McKellen.
American Courtside: Speaking of Wolverine, do your Broadway castmates ever ask to borrow the claws, or is it strictly jazz hands backstage?
Hugh Jackman: The claws stay locked up. Jazz hands, however, are contagious.
American Courtside: You started out as a teacher. Do you ever lecture your fellow actors if they miss a beat in rehearsal?
Hugh Jackman: I grade their jazz squares from time to time. Old habits die hard!
American Courtside: You’ve hosted the Oscars, the Tonys, and performed in musicals worldwide. Is there any stage you won’t take?
Hugh Jackman: My mother made me draw the line at interpretive dance at my local supermarket when she’s there.
American Courtside: There’s a perception that you’re everyone’s favorite “nice guy” —is that your real mutant power?
Hugh Jackman: Let’s just say, if I were truly as nice as people claim, I’d have given Ryan Reynolds my coffee company years ago.
American Courtside: You’re deeply involved in charity, particularly cancer research. Does philanthropy keep you grounded amid all the sequins and stunts?
Hugh Jackman: Nothing says “stay humble” like organizing a fundraiser after bench-pressing a supervillain.
American Courtside: Lastly, after two decades as Wolverine, a Tony, and a million tap routines, is there anything left on the Hugh Jackman bucket list?
Hugh Jackman: I’d like to play a quiet librarian —no claws, no jazz hands, just shushing people.
Coach B
Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
🏀 This newsletter is not affiliated with any other parody site… but your mother might be! You should ask her!