COACH VERY OBVIOUSLY RECENTLY FINISHED INSPIRATIONAL BOOK ABOUT “GRIT”

SPRINGFIELD, MO — Members of the Valley High School boys’ basketball team confirmed Thursday that head coach Greg Larkin has, at some point in the past 48 hours, completed a book about “grit,” as evidenced by a sudden uptick in references to “mental toughness,” “resilience,” and “embracing the grind” during practice.

Players reported that Larkin, previously known for his utilitarian approach to timeouts (“run back on D, that’s all I’ve got”), opened Wednesday’s team meeting by instructing players to “write down one thing they’re grateful for —besides your phone or Fortnite skins.” Sophomore guard Ethan Wallace said, “He actually made us close our eyes and visualize overcoming adversity, which was weird because we were just in the cafeteria and the janitor needed to buff the floor.”

Practice observers noted Larkin’s clipboard now features a laminated quote—“Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard” —in a font size visible from the upper bleachers. The coach has also reportedly replaced his usual “good effort” with “I love the grit I’m seeing, fellas,” and started referring to missed layups as “growth opportunities.”

Assistant coach Marcus Reed has confirmed suspicions, stating, “He ordered a case of those books about not quitting, and now I have to set up a ‘Wall of Resilience’ bulletin board in the gym. Yesterday he told the JV squad, ‘Every champion was once a contender who refused to give up.’ I’m pretty sure he dog-eared that one.”

At press time, Larkin was seen assigning the team a reflective essay on what “adversity” means to them, and announced that Friday’s film session would be replaced with a TED Talk.

DISTRICT CHAMPIONSHIP GAME CANCELLED FOR AN “OPPORTUNITY FOR EVERYONE TO WHERE THEY ARE IN LIFE”

YUBA CITY, CA — The district championship basketball game has been officially canceled this Friday in favor of what administrators are calling “an intentional opportunity for everyone to reflect on where they are in life,” according to a district-wide memo sent at 3:12 a.m.

Coaches and players, who spent the season navigating bus breakdowns, malfunctioning shot clocks, and back-to-back email threads about “rebranding the mascot,” were informed that the highly anticipated game would be replaced by a 90-minute “Journey Mapping Circle” facilitated by a mindfulness consultant from the local yoga studio.

“We just felt that a championship game might put too much emphasis on outcomes, competition, and, frankly, the illusion of scorekeeping,” explained Assistant Principal Debra Finnigan, reading from a laminated card. “Instead, we want to create a space for deep personal inventory and, perhaps, some gentle stretching.”

Coaches were encouraged to submit their “inner coaching philosophies” via Google Form and to prepare a brief spoken word piece about their most formative gym moment. “We’re not keeping score, obviously,” Finnigan clarified, “but if your reflection moves the group, you’ll be awarded a metaphorical gold star.”

Players, some of whom attempted to practice visualizing their role in the “circle offense of personal growth,” expressed confusion. “I spent all year working on my left hand, but now I’m supposed to work on my inner child?” said junior guard Darius Timmons, who was seen quietly dribbling his feelings during homeroom.

Parents will be invited to share highlights from their kids’ emotional journeys and to suggest “improvements for next year’s championship of self-actualization,” which is tentatively scheduled for the wrestling mat in the auxiliary gym, pending pickleball club approval.

TRUMP LASHES OUT OVER VIRAL ‘TACO TRADE’ MEME

After a meme joking about a fake “TACO trade” involving the WNBA went viral, former President Trump publicly criticized its creators, sparking debate across sports and social media. What do you say?

• “I’d welcome a ‘TACO trade’ every week if we could get new uniforms out of it.” — Jaylen Brooks (JV Coach)
• “I assume this means my point guard will now demand NIL deals in tacos and guac.” — Riley Simmons (Athletic Director)
• “Are we talking actual tacos? Because concession sales just got way more interesting.” — Denise Alvarez (Concession Stand Manager)
• “Honestly, we’ve made bigger sacrifices for less —remember when we traded home court for gym mats storage?” — Tom McNulty (Custodian)
• “I will consider any trade for a working scoreboard and a bus with heat.” — Erica “Coach E” Thomas (Varsity Assistant Coach)

AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SUE BIRD

As a four-time WNBA champion turned owner and activist, Sue Bird continues to shape the landscape of women’s sports —both courtside and in the boardroom. Fresh from her investment in the Portland Thorns and her latest accolade as one of ESPN’s 25 most influential women in sports, Bird sits down to discuss icons, endorsements, and what it means to be everyone’s favorite “household name.”

American Courtside: Sue, congrats on your “most influential” nod from ESPN. Does this come with a parking spot, or just more group texts from other influential women?
Sue Bird: Just the group texts, sadly. I’m still circling the block for a space —there’s always a soccer mom in my spot.

American Courtside: You’ve been called the “face of the WNBA,” but do people ever actually recognize you at the airport?
Sue Bird: If I’m standing next to Megan Rapinoe? Absolutely. Otherwise, it’s a lot of “You look like that girl from a Progressive Insurance ad.”

American Courtside: Speaking of Nike, how do you balance your grassroots activism with being, you know, professionally branded?
Sue Bird: Nothing says “stick it to the man” like a 10-second spot filmed on a yacht.

American Courtside: You’re now part-owner of the Portland Thorns. What’s it like moving from point guard to power broker?
Sue Bird: Honestly, the snacks are better in the owner’s box, but the group chats are the same —just more emojis.

American Courtside: You and LeBron James are both seen as icons —but he gets Space Jam. Do you ever wish you had your own overhyped franchise reboot?
Sue Bird: Sure, ever heard of “Sue Bird: Hoops in the Multiverse.”

American Courtside: Your ads make you look like the chillest person alive. Level with us: ever rage-quit a board game?
Sue Bird: If you’ve never flipped a Monopoly board while yelling about luxury taxes, are you even a competitor?

American Courtside: You’re often hailed as “relatable,” but you hang out with A-listers. Ever miss being just a “regular Sue”?
Sue Bird: I’m still regular until my friends ask if I can get them playoff tickets.”

American Courtside: The WNBA’s profile is growing, but still lags behind men’s sports. Ever tempted to introduce yourself as “LeBron, but with better assists”?
Sue Bird: I tried. People just ask if I know Steph Curry. It’s humbling.

American Courtside: Four Olympic golds, countless assists, and now an owner —what’s next, running for office?
Sue Bird: I’d consider it, but my platform would just be “mandatory naptime and better arena snacks.” I’m not sure America’s ready.

WHISTLE IN ONE HAND, PUMP IN THE OTHER: THE FUTURE OF OFFICIATING

Product: Pumteck Electric Ball Pump, Smart Air Pump Portable Fast Ball Inflation with Precise Pressure Gauge and Digital LCD Display for Football Basketball Volleyball Football (2 Pin and 1 Spout)

I bought the Pumteck Electric Ball Pump because our last JV game was officiated exclusively by the spirit of James Naismith and one retired volleyball ref who forgot his glasses. With this pump’s digital LCD display and two precision needles, I am now fully prepared to enforce NFHS Rule 1: Whoever owns the pump, makes the rules. Last Friday, as our lone whistle-wielder staggered out with a Gatorade cooler for a cane, I whipped out the Pumteck, checked our ball to exactly 8.5 PSI, and declared myself both coach and official. Half the parents cheered; the other half started emailing the principal before tip-off. By the third quarter, I was running the scoreboard, calling fouls, and threatening to T up any parent who questioned my “Smart Air-Authority Protocol.”

If you want to survive a three-person crew shortage, forget the stripes—just show up with this pump and a commanding sense of self-righteousness.

GET YOURS HERE!

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Coach B
Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
🏀 Not affiliated with any other parody site… but your mother might be. You should ask her!