ENTIRE GAME SPENT STEALING PLAYS FROM CLIPBOARD OF COACH ON OPPOSING BENCH

TULSA, OK — Throughout all four quarters of last night’s varsity matchup, Coach Darren Mills reportedly devoted the entirety of his in-game strategy to discreetly glancing at the opposing bench’s clipboard whenever possible, citing “tactical research” as a core value of his coaching philosophy.

“I noticed their coach was using a dry-erase marker, which is at least four steps ahead of our system. The diagrams were very legible,” Mills explained, adjusting his Sharpie-streaked whiteboard, which had been whittled down to blank corners and faint outlines of what might have once been a zone defense. “If you can read what they’re running before they run it, you’re basically scouting in real time—no need to burn gas on a Tuesday for film exchange.”

According to multiple eyewitnesses, Mills adopted several creative methods to gain a sight line, including tying his shoe directly across from the scorer’s table and stretching his hamstrings within four feet of the rival huddle during every timeout. At halftime, he reportedly tried to compliment the other team’s laminated play sheet while holding it up to the light.

Assistant Coach Jaylen Ortiz admitted the tactic “wasn’t in the preseason PowerPoint,” but noted, “We did score on that inbound where Coach copied their little squiggly arrow thing. We’d never drawn a squiggly arrow before.”

Despite the team’s narrow loss, Mills expressed optimism for future contests. “I’ve already ordered binoculars and a 3x zoom phone case for next week,” he said, carefully folding a napkin sketch into his clipboard. “Honestly, it’s about adapting to the modern game.”

VARSITY COACH PLAGUED BY EXISTENTIAL DREAD UPON REALIZING SHE’LL NEVER KNOW TRUE DEPTH OF BENCH

LYNCHBURG, VA — Varsity girls’ basketball coach Bailey Ellison confirmed Monday she’s come to accept she may never truly plumb the depths of her bench—philosophically or otherwise—after yet another practice ended with four players running wind sprints and the fifth FaceTiming a volleyball coach about “dual-sport commitments.”

“Each season, I look at the roster and wonder, ‘Could there be more? Could we one day have a sixth player who isn’t just a warmup jersey on a chair?’” Ellison mused, absent-mindedly picking at the duct tape holding together her clipboard. “But the universe keeps reminding me: five is a circle, not a line.”

Ellison’s revelations followed a particularly vivid moment during last Friday’s away game, when her starting forward fouled out and she was forced to consult the team’s emergency substitution protocol—a loose-leaf sheet labeled “IF LEXI FOULS OUT: CALL ADMIN.” Despite months of elaborate rotations scribbled in Sharpie on the back of an old Gatorade roster chart, the coach admits she’s “never actually met” the theoretical seventh player listed.

An assistant coach, tasked with monitoring foul counts, has reportedly started bringing an abacus to games for “spiritual comfort.” The athletic director, reached for comment, suggested the school “might look into co-ed policies or, failing that, cardboard cutouts.”

Ellison remains philosophical: “Some coaches chase banners. I chase metaphysical questions: if a player sits at the end of the bench and there’s no one to sub in, do they make a sound?”

Despite it all, Ellison says she’s optimistic about next season’s numbers—pending three soccer crossovers, the exchange student lottery, and, in her words, “a generous miracle.”

CHALKDUST AND TRUTH

ON LEADERSHIP

I told the team the captain’s job was to sweep the bus after every away game.
They thought it was a punishment.
That’s how I knew we didn’t have a captain yet.

FACTBOT 3000

Coaches spend 37% of summer league time debating whether “fun” can be quantified in assist-to-turnover ratios.
This led to the first official “fun-meter” being calibrated by leftover Gatorade samples.

AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SHAQUILLE O’NEAL

As a four-time NBA champion, business mogul, and omnipresent pitchman, Shaquille O’Neal remains a pop culture phenomenon. With recent ventures ranging from youth sports initiatives to new product lines, the ever-expanding Shaq universe shows no signs of shrinking.

American Courtside: You’re launching a new initiative to support youth sports. Why is this cause close to you?
Shaquille O’Neal: Because every child deserves a shot —preferably a slam dunk.

American Courtside: You’ve partnered with countless brands —pizza, insurance, even car companies. Do you actually fit in any of the vehicles you endorse?
Shaquille O’Neal: Only if I remove the front seat, the back seat, and most of the roof.

American Courtside: People know you as an NBA legend, rapper, actor, DJ, and now, sheriff’s deputy. Is there any field you won’t try to dominate?
Shaquille O’Neal: I tried synchronized swimming. Let’s just say that some pools can’t handle the greatness.

American Courtside: You’re often billing yourself as “just a regular guy.” Does a “regular guy” have a platinum album and four NBA rings?
Shaquille O’Neal: Hey, I still eat cereal out the box in my Superman pajamas.

American Courtside: As a fitness advocate who also promotes pizza and fried chicken, how do you balance wellness and, let’s say, ‘cheese pull’?
Shaquille O’Neal: I do curls —with pizza slices. Moderation is key. One for the biceps, one for the soul.

American Courtside: How do you manage to be everywhere at once —TV analyst, franchise owner, DJ Diesel, and sometimes, a literal giant in ads?
Shaquille O’Neal: Clones. I ordered them in bulk, just like my sneakers. The world needed more Shaq.

American Courtside: You famously earned a doctorate in education. Any plans to open “Shaqademy”?
Shaquille O’Neal: Already drafted the curriculum: Dunking 101, Advanced Branding, and Intro to Humility —taught by Charles Barkley.

American Courtside: You’ve appeared in movies like “Kazaam” and “Blue Chips.” Any Oscar ambitions, or is Shaq above awards?
Shaquille O’Neal: I’d like a trophy room with an Oscar, a Grammy, maybe a Nobel Prize in Snacking. Dream big.

American Courtside: What’s next for the Shaq brand?
Shaquille O’Neal: Working on Shaq-sized yoga mats, my own cologne (“Eau de Diesel”), and an autobiographical haiku collection.

American Courtside: Last question: Any advice for young athletes who want to follow in your (considerable) footsteps?
Shaquille O’Neal: Work hard, stay humble, and never trust anyone who says you can’t eat pizza and still make free throws. They’re probably just jealous of your cheese pull.