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ARTICLE
JV Coaches Frantically Scatter Empty Gatorade Bottles To Prove They Spent Night Breaking Down Game Film
BROOKSVILLE, KY — Sources confirmed Tuesday that several JV basketball coaches were observed strategically distributing empty Gatorade bottles and crumpled fast-food wrappers across their office in an effort to bolster claims they had spent the entire night breaking down game film. The move, described by onlookers as “methodical,” reportedly included the carefully staged placement of a half-eaten protein bar atop a well-worn clipboard, as well as a series of color-coded sticky notes affixed to an unplugged projector.
“We want everyone to know we left it all on the tape,” explained Coach Darnell, pausing to Sharpie a few fake play diagrams onto a dry-erase board already stained with last month’s roster notes. “If the varsity staff peeks in, they’ll see the sheer volume of hydration products and assume we didn’t sleep. That’s the kind of dedication you can’t fake—unless you can.”
Assistant Coach Lindstrom, tasked with scattering wadded stat sheets around the room, said the system was not without its risks. “You have to rotate the bottle brands,” he cautioned, double-checking that none of the wrappers advertised discontinued menu items. “Last year, we got called out for having the holiday edition Mountain Dew in April.”
Despite the effort, some players remained unconvinced, noting that the coaches’ “game film” seemed to consist mostly of grainy footage from a 2017 instructional DVD and a paused Netflix account. Still, Coach Darnell stood by the elaborate display. “Leadership is about setting the tone. If that means a 2 a.m. Slurpee run and a few strategically-placed Sour Patch Kids, so be it.”
He later revealed plans to invest in an air mattress and a slow-cooker to “bring even more authenticity to postseason film review.”
ARTICLE
Coach Banished For Bringing Water, Not Code Red, On Team Bus
DENTON, TX — A local high school basketball coach was escorted from the team bus Tuesday night after committing what athletic department insiders are calling a “flagrant hydration violation”: supplying players with water instead of the traditional Code Red Mountain Dew for the drive to an away game.
Witnesses say Coach Melvin Dorsey was seen loading two cases of generic bottled water onto the bus, a move that instantly drew suspicious glances from veteran team members accustomed to the program’s decades-long Code Red ritual. “It was unsettling,” said assistant coach Carla Reddick, wiping a faint ring of red syrup from the armrest. “The bottles didn’t even have motivational stickers. Just water. Like we’re a swim team.”
Players reportedly gathered at the back of the bus, muttering about “electrolyte betrayal” while examining the clear bottles for any sign of caffeine. “Coach said water is ‘refreshing’ and ‘supports athletic performance,’” senior guard DeShawn C. explained, making air quotes. “But I didn’t see a single molecule of dye in there. We were all, like, is this even sanctioned?”
After a tense two-mile drive, the team voted, 8-2, to suspend Coach Dorsey’s bus privileges until he “readheres to beverage tradition.” The athletic director quietly intervened, offering a compromise: Gatorade powder administered only in Code Red–themed cups.
“I just thought water might be good for their kidneys,” Coach Dorsey said while collecting his clipboard fragments from the aisle. “But if the bylaws require a beverage that stains your tongue for 72 hours, I’ll start budgeting for it.”
Coach Dorsey has since announced plans to propose a “flavorless Code Red” as an offseason pilot program, pending approval from the booster club’s concessions committee.
FACTBALL QUOTE
The NBA officially banned the use of beach balls during summer league games after the infamous 1987 incident in Phoenix.
CHALKDUST AND TRUTH
Chalk Dust and Truth
The Game Plan “I once traded scouting reports with Coach Dunlap, but when I opened his envelope, it was just a drawing of a potato with tiny sneakers.
That’s when I realized we both had the same game plan.”
CELEBRITY INTERVIEW
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH A’ja Wilson
Published: July 2024
Beginning of Interview
Fresh off leading the Las Vegas Aces to another championship run and securing her third consecutive WNBA All-Star starting nod, A’ja Wilson is cementing herself as the face of women’s basketball. We sit down with the two-time MVP to discuss double-doubles, double standards, and the fine art of balancing activism with sneaker endorsements.
American Courtside:
Congratulations on the latest championship. How does it feel being called “the face of the WNBA” —outside of all the group texts from your relatives?
A’ja Wilson:
It’s cool being the “face.” I just wish more people actually recognized it outside of my grandma’s Facebook friends and that one guy at TSA who thought I was on the Sparks.
American Courtside:
You’re often described as “relatable.” Would you say your day-to-day life is closer to the average fan or Beyoncé?
A’ja Wilson:
I mean, I still love Target runs —but now my cart just has more Gatorade and less privacy. So, somewhere between “girl next door” and “girl getting mobbed in aisle seven.”
American Courtside:
Your activism gets as much press as your on-court stats. How do you balance speaking out with being, well, sponsored out?
A’ja Wilson:
It’s all about synergy. By day, I fight for justice. By night, I hydrate with the official beverage of justice —now available wherever fine drinks are sold.
American Courtside:
You just signed a multi-year extension with the Aces. How do you celebrate big career moves?
A’ja Wilson:
I treat myself to something luxurious —like a nap. Maybe a new pair of Crocs. You know, for my brand.
American Courtside:
People say you’re “the funniest player in the league.” Any truth to the rumor you have a meme folder for every possible postgame emotion?
A’ja Wilson:
That’s classified, but let’s just say my side-eye game is LeBron level and my meme folder is deeper than the Aces’ bench.
American Courtside:
The Aces have become a powerhouse. Ever feel like you’re playing 5-on-8 with the media attention… or lack thereof?
A’ja Wilson:
Sometimes. We win a chip and get a polite golf clap, but let an NBA player sneeze and it’s breaking news. Maybe if I dunked in heels?
American Courtside:
You’re a visible philanthropist. Do you ever wish people paid as much attention to your foundation as your TikToks?
A’ja Wilson:
YES. But if it takes a Renegade dance to raise awareness, then consider me the WNBA’s unofficial TikTok auntie.
American Courtside:
What’s the strangest endorsement offer you’ve received since becoming a league MVP?
A’ja Wilson:
Someone wanted me to be the face of a luxury pet iguana boutique. I don’t have an iguana, but A’ja’s Iguanas had a nice ring to it.
American Courtside:
After all your success, what still surprises you about being a professional women’s basketball player?
A’ja Wilson:
That my biggest competition isn’t on the court —it’s convincing the world we exist. But don’t worry, we’re loud enough.