GYM FLOOR DECLARED SACRED GROUND AFTER EPIC DOUBLE‑OVERTIME GAME

BISMARCK, ND — Following last Friday’s double‑overtime thriller between the Millbrook Monarchs and the Glendale Griffins, the Millbrook High School gymnasium floor has been officially declared sacred ground by unanimous vote of the school board and custodial staff. The declaration came hours after the Monarchs emerged victorious, 74‑72, in a contest described by witnesses as “the most emotional event in Millbrook since the great vending machine restocking of 2013.”

Custodian Harold Duquette, 67, was seen roping off the three‑point arc with leftover caution tape from last year’s science fair. “Some say it was just a game, but I saw Coach Baker weep openly after that buzzer‑beater. You don’t just mop that up,” Duquette said, gently dusting a Gatorade stain near midcourt with a feather duster.

Effective immediately, all non‑basketball activities—including PE class, pep rallies, and badminton club—will be relocated to the wrestling room or, if necessary, the staff parking lot. Principal Janet Furlong emphasized the importance of respecting the hallowed hardwood. “Students may not so much as walk across the floor unless they are prepared to relive every play in vivid detail and pay homage to the sweat still glistening in the key,” Furlong stated, pausing to wipe her glasses and glance reverently at the scoreboard.

Coach Baker, whose timeout management was described by local sports bloggers as “borderline mystical,” has requested that the jump‑ball circle be preserved under glass. “Future generations need to know where Timmy Peterson slipped during the second overtime. That spot changed lives,” Baker remarked.

An official blessing ceremony will be held Wednesday, featuring the choir’s rendition of “We Are the Champions” and a slideshow of slow‑motion rebound attempts.

STATE CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY REPLACED WITH GIANT FOAM FINGER

LYNCHBURG, VA — The state basketball championship trophy will be replaced this year with a 4‑foot‑tall foam finger, according to an announcement from the High School Athletics Association’s awards committee. The new award, rendered in navy blue with “We’re #1” printed in bold Comic Sans, will feature a reinforced handle and a secret compartment for snacks.

“We wanted something more interactive,” said committee chair Brenda Talcott, who cited trophy‑related injuries such as stubbed toes and “repetitive dusting fatigue” among previous recipients. “This finger can be waved, hugged, or even worn as a hat during pep rallies. It’s also weather‑resistant and lightly scented with vanilla.”

Players and coaches expressed mixed feelings about the change. “I always dreamed of hoisting that trophy,” said Coach Darryl Mendez of West Central High, “but I suppose gripping a foam finger with both hands and parading it around the gym will be just as meaningful. Still, I’m not sure where we’ll display it. The old trophy case only fits objects under three feet tall.”

The foam finger, reportedly manufactured in a warehouse previously dedicated to inflatable pool noodles, arrives pre‑autographed by the association president and comes with a laminated care manual. Teams are advised not to expose the award to open flames or use it as a flotation device.

“I hope the kids don’t try to eat it,” said custodian Loretta Phelps, recalling last year’s incident with the commemorative chocolate basketballs. “At least this one can’t melt in the sun.”

Plans are underway to replace individual medals with commemorative shoelaces in the 2025 season.

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL GYM DOUBLE‑BOOKED FOR GIRLS’ BASKETBALL, PICKLEBALL SENIORS TOURNEY

Chaos erupted when the girls’ varsity basketball team arrived for practice only to find the gym overtaken by the annual “Seniors Smash” pickleball tournament. Tensions soared as both sides refused to cede the court. What do you say?

“If this cuts into our concessions fundraiser, I’m sending an invoice to the Pickleball Association and their orthopedic sponsors.”
— Marsha “Marshmallow” DeWitt, 45, Booster Club Treasurer

“At least the seniors can teach our girls how to argue with refs without getting ejected.”
— Tanner Griggs, 27, High School Football Assistant Coach

“I haven’t seen this much drama since the cafeteria ran out of tater tots.”
— Pearl O’Malley, 66, Retired Lunch Lady & Local Sports Superfan

“Maybe we can combine the events—pickleball halftime show, anyone?”
— Denise Flannery, 50, PTA Vice President

AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, recently crowned Forbes’ highest‑paid actor and now the face (and biceps) of NBC’s “The Titan Games,” continues to expand his empire—one motivational monologue and tequila bottle at a time. American Courtside sat down with Johnson to discuss his latest ventures, philanthropic feats, and how he balances being everyone’s action hero, brand ambassador, and America’s favorite dad‑joke connoisseur.

American Courtside: Congratulations on “The Titan Games.” Is there any competition you wouldn’t win, if given a choice?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: Thank you! I’d probably lose at a “Subtlety Contest.” I mean, look at me — I make bulldozers seem shy.

American Courtside: You’re known for inspiring millions with your relentless positivity. Off‑camera, are you ever just… average grumpy?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: Only when I run out of protein pancakes. My daughters call it “Hangry Hulk Mode.”

American Courtside: You’ve got tequila, energy drinks, a production company — what’s the next product with your name on it?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: I’m working on artisanal Rock‑flavored toothpaste.

American Courtside: Your brand balances action‑hero toughness with family‑friendly warmth. Do you ever get those wires crossed?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: One time in 2019 I read bedtime stories in my wrestling promo voice. My kids still bring it up.

American Courtside: As a symbol of cultural representation, do you feel pressure to bring your heritage into your roles?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: Absolutely. Hollywood loves my background so much, they let me play “Generic Muscle Guy #4” from every continent — no accent required.

American Courtside: What’s the secret to being authentic when your face is on everything from fanny packs to fitness apps?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: Easy: always refer to yourself in the third person. The Rock keeps it real — even while deadlifting a Prius.

American Courtside: You recently gave a Navy veteran a truck. How do you choose who gets the next surprise?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: I hold dad‑joke and bear‑hug auditions.

American Courtside: You’ve granted over 600 wishes for Make‑A‑Wish. Do you ever wish for anything yourself?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: Just once, I’d like to be cast as “Average‑Sized Guy Who Loves Cardigans.” Sadly, Hollywood can’t handle the cable‑knit intensity.

American Courtside: If you could give the world one piece of advice in your signature style, what would it be?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: Hustle hard, stay humble, and always check under your bed — because The Rock might be there, ready to inspire you by benching your bed.