Local Coach Recommends “Faking a Stroke” as New Defensive Strategy
Local Coach Recommends “Faking a Stroke” as New Defensive Strategy
SPRINGFIELD, MO — Area high school basketball coach Greg Landry is drawing attention at Monday’s regional clinic after recommending “faking a minor stroke” as an effective new method for slowing fast breaks and confusing opposing scorers.
During a PowerPoint presentation that included annotated GIFs and a brief demonstration involving an assistant coach, Landry detailed the approach: “As soon as the point guard crosses half-court, my players simply clutch their chests, stagger dramatically, and collapse in a heap. Maybe twitch a little. Refs don’t know whether to call a timeout or an ambulance, and that buys us at least 15 seconds to set up our 2-3 zone.”
Landry’s strategy, which he refers to as “The Full Uncle Donnie,” reportedly emerged after his team lost three straight games due to “outrageously fast transition offenses and a general unwillingness to sprint back on defense.” He admits the idea is not without risk. “I’ll be honest, about a third of my team is in the school play, so dramatic realism isn’t a problem. The challenge is getting them to remember which arm to grab.”
Players appear enthusiastic, if somewhat confused. “Coach says it’s about selling the moment, like Daniel Day-Lewis,” explained junior guard Tyler Raines. “Last game, I went down screaming ‘I smell burnt toast!’ and the ref just froze. It was beautiful.”
Reactions among officials are mixed. “I’ve never seen so many kids hit the deck at once outside of dodgeball,” said veteran referee Carla Jenkins. “I mostly just wait for someone to twitch, then call an inadvertent whistle.”
Landry is reportedly working on an offensive variant for late-game clock management, tentatively titled “Sudden Bout of Temporary Amnesia.”
Athletic Director Declares Pre-Game Huddles To Now Be Conducted Inside Inflatable Bounce House
LYNCHBURG, VA — In a memo issued late Thursday, Northfield High School’s athletic director, Brenda Hellman, confirmed that all pre-game basketball huddles will henceforth be conducted inside a regulation-size inflatable bounce house “to promote energy, engagement, and team-building, while maximizing use of available auxiliary equipment.”
“We’re always seeking innovative ways to enhance the student-athlete experience,” said Hellman, adjusting a fold-out lawn chair inside the rainbow-colored structure. “Our rental agreement covers the bounce house for the full winter season. It just makes sense.”
Varsity coach Mike Arnold spent Friday’s practice briefing his assistants on bounce house ingress protocols and reviewing newly mandated “sock checks.” “You try diagramming a baseline out-of-bounds play while your clipboard is airborne and three freshmen are stuck in a Velcro corner,” Arnold said. “I lost a whiteboard, two markers, and my dignity in the first five minutes.”
Senior captain Tyler Mays expressed cautious optimism. “Coach says we’re supposed to focus, but it’s hard when the floor keeps disappearing and someone’s shooting confetti cannons,” Mays said, pausing to untangle himself from a mesh net. “On the plus side, our verticals are way up.”
Spectators were initially confused by the new pre-game ritual. “I just wanted to see the starting lineups, but now I think I have motion sickness,” said local parent Deanna Torres, clutching ginger ale.
At press time, the JV team was seen holding an emergency huddle in the adjacent obstacle course, after the bounce house was commandeered by the wrestling team for “agility warmups and conflict resolution drills.”
Moody’s downgrades United States credit rating on increase in government debt
With rising national debt, Moody’s has dropped the U.S. credit rating for the first time in decades, sparking fresh worries about long-term financial stability. What do you say?
- “So, does this mean our booster club’s GoFundMe is officially more solvent than Congress?” — Tasha Bennett (Varsity Coach)
- “Maybe now the district will stop requiring receipts for every roll of athletic tape I buy.” — Greg Fulton (Equipment Manager)
- “Can we just print more money, or is that only for private school recruiting budgets?” — Marcus Reed (Athletic Director)
- “Guess the gym roof leaks are just a patriotic metaphor now.” — Val Ramirez (Booster-Club Treasurer)
- “Does this mean my $40 ref fee is getting paid in Monopoly money again?” — Ron Dorsey (Referee)
Basketball Coaching Board, 2025 Version Double-Sided Basketball Coach Clipboard
The Ultimate Bus Companion
Let me tell you, nothing prepares a coach for the rigors of travel like a Basketball Coaching Board. After a grueling bus ride where our team got stuck behind a tractor for an hour (character-building, they say), I was ready to unleash a new practice strategy on my players. Enter this clipboard—my trusty sidekick during our marathon travels. It’s light enough to hold while trying to interpret the GPS directions in the dark and versatile enough to serve as an impromptu dinner plate when the pizza delivery arrives late.
One night, we had 14 players crammed into our bus, and with the sound of “Are we there yet?” echoing through the aisles, I flipped open my clipboard. I sketched out a play while also drawing a stick-figure version of the bus driver who had apparently given up on us ever arriving. It became an instant hit! As we stormed the competition the next day, I told my players they could thank the clipboard for all those late-night strategy sessions. If only it could also serve as a Wi-Fi hotspot to keep parents updated on our travel misadventures!
Pros: Perfect for team bonding during long bus rides, doubles as a survival tool for late-night pizza.
Cons: Does not actually provide Wi-Fi, can’t replace a proper assistant coach for motivational speeches.
American Courtside’s Exclusive Interview with Will Smith
Beginning of Interview
American Courtside: Will, your new action film is about to hit theaters. What made you say yes to this role?
Will Smith: Funny story — I actually said “no” at first, but my agent reminded me that I haven’t exploded anything on-screen since last summer.”
American Courtside: You’ve been very public about your journey after the Oscars. Any wisdom for handling viral moments?
Will Smith: Absolutely. When life gives you lemons, slap them. Just kidding! (I’m legally required to say that.)
American Courtside: Your social media is relentlessly positive. Is the real Will always this upbeat?
Will Smith: I wake up every morning, stare in the mirror and say, “Today, you’re not going to overshare on Instagram.” By noon, I’ve posted my breakfast, a motivational monologue, and a complex flowchart of my feelings. You have to stay positive!
American Courtside: After 25 years, you and Jada are still making headlines. How do you manage the scrutiny?
Will Smith: We like to keep our marriage spicy by treating tabloids like a group chat — overshare with reckless abandon, then act surprised when everybody’s talking about it. The secret is to give the public just enough drama to keep them guessing, but not quite enough for a Netflix limited series. Yet.
American Courtside: You’ve branded yourself as “everyman,” but let’s be honest — you’re a blockbuster megastar with a skydiving habit.
Will Smith: Aw, come on! Don’t we all jump out of planes for our birthdays? Look, my job is to be relatable.
American Courtside: You’ve played everything from aliens to motivational dads. Any roles left on your bucket list?
Will Smith: I’m holding out for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Supreme Court Justice. Imagine me rapping the Constitution while delivering a stirring verdict. If that doesn’t win me an EGOT, I’ll settle for a cameo as myself in someone else’s biopic.
American Courtside: Your family’s in the spotlight, too — Jaden and Willow are both stars. Is there a Smith family group chat?
Will Smith: There is, but every message is just a cryptic haiku or Jaden sending existential memes. Willow once texted an entire song. Family dinners are basically a TED Talk, a mixtape, and a performance art piece — plus, I do the dishes, so at least I’m grounded.
American Courtside: You’ve conquered music, TV, film, and YouTube. Any advice for young creatives craving that kind of versatility?
Will Smith: Stay curious and never say no to skydiving — or at least say yes if there’s a camera. If you can convincingly play an alien, a genie, and a motivational speaker in the same career, nobody will notice when you occasionally overshare about your deepest insecurities on Facebook Live.
American Courtside: With so many achievements, how do you keep yourself humble?
Will Smith: Easy. Every time I start feeling too successful, my kids remind me I’m “cringe,” or my wife drops a bombshell on Red Table Talk. In this family, humility is just a group activity.
American Courtside: Finally, what’s next for Will Smith?
Will Smith: I’m exploring a new project: “Will Smith’s Guide to Getting Cancelled Gracefully.” It’s a mix of stand-up, skydiving, and family counseling. I’m pitching it to streaming, but honestly, it’ll probably just be another motivational TikTok.
(This website uses affiliate links to support the project. This website is not affiliated with any other comedy website. But your mother might be. You should ask her!)