NEW STUDY FINDS VARSITY STARTERS JUST REALLY DETERMINED BENCH PLAYERS
NEW STUDY FINDS VARSITY STARTERS JUST REALLY DETERMINED BENCH PLAYERS
BROOKSVILLE, KY — A recent study released by the Institute for Athletic Realities confirmed Monday what many high school basketball coaches have suspected for years: varsity starters are simply bench players who refuse to sit down.
The report, which analyzed over 200 high school programs, concluded that the key trait separating starters from perennial benchwarmers was “a relentless unwillingness to accept coach’s attempts at rotation.” Researchers cited countless instances of starters maintaining eye contact during subbing, feigning hearing loss, or actively hiding the sub horn under a pile of towels.
Head coach Brian Talley, who describes his own five as “determined to a fault,” corroborated the study’s findings. “When I tried to sub out our starting guard last Friday, she responded by tying her shoe extra tight and sprinting to the far corner,” Talley said, referencing a clipboard still bearing the imprint of his last attempted timeout. “I respect the hustle. That’s leadership.”
The study also found that many starters have mastered subtle tactics for avoiding removal, including the strategic use of the free throw lane shuffle, exaggerated cramping, and, in one case, maintaining possession of the only working team jersey.
Assistant coaches reportedly spend hours developing new hand signals to indicate substitutions, though most are quickly decoded and ignored. “We started using a red Sharpie to signal who’s coming out,” said Talley. “Now everyone just wipes their hands on their shorts before glancing at the bench.”
In light of these findings, Talley plans to hold a team meeting where he’ll “review the proper definition of substitution,” but admits he expects a low turnout from his starting five.
VARSITY GYM BLEACHERS COLLAPSE AFTER FRESHMAN FORGETS TO DOUBLE-CHECK THE LOCK PINS
ELK GROVE, IL — Varsity basketball coach Dan Mullen addressed reporters Tuesday after the west gym bleachers unexpectedly folded inward during pregame warmups, conceding that “in retrospect, maybe putting a freshman in charge of the lock pins was a learning experience for everyone involved.” The incident occurred approximately 27 minutes before tipoff as the home team executed their usual layup lines, at which point the entire second row vanished beneath a surprised but mostly uninjured JV squad.
Coach Mullen, clipboard in hand and whiteboard marker stains on his windbreaker, described his decision-making process: “You want to give kids responsibility. That’s what leadership looks like. Technically, he was the only one who could fit under there without bumping his head.” Mullen further explained that the bleacher manual is “mostly diagrams with warning triangles,” but maintained that, “if you can run a shell drill, you can handle steel pins.”
Parents arriving early were rerouted through the main hallway, pausing only to photograph the pile of mangled seatbacks now resting atop a bag of practice pennies and a half-empty crate of Gatorade cups. Assistant coach Nora Evans, who was assigned “bleacher triage,” distributed ice packs from the concession stand and offered an impromptu lesson on gym safety. “This is why we do walk-throughs,” she told a JV forward still clutching a seat plank.
Despite the disruption, Coach Mullen confirmed the game would proceed, noting that “real programs adjust. We’ll just call this a standing-room crowd and bill it as a home-court advantage.” He later announced the team’s next fundraiser will sell commemorative bleacher fragments, with proceeds earmarked for optional staff safety training.
FACTBALL 3000
It’s a technical foul to dribble with your left hand on Wednesdays!
CHALKDUST AND TRUTH
Sowing and Reaping
I once planted a basketball in the gym floor just to see what would grow. By spring, all we got was a single sneaker and a faint smell of Gatorade, but the janitor said that’s how dynasties start.
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH ATTICUS FINCH
Published June 2025
In the wake of his sudden retirement from coaching the Maycomb Mockingbirds girls basketball team, Atticus Finch —America’s favorite moral mascot and reluctant merch model —sits down with American Courtside to discuss his complicated legacy, recent pivot to novel writing, and the hazards of mixing Southern gentility with zone defense.
American Courtside: You’ve become an unlikely basketball legend in Maycomb. How did a small-town lawyer end up coaching high school hoops?
Atticus Finch: I was drafted by the PTA. They assured me coaching would require less cross-examination than a courtroom, which turned out to be a lie. At least in basketball, the referees admit when they’re blind.
American Courtside: Rumor has it your halftime pep talks involve reading Dickens. Effective strategy, or just literary mischief?
Atticus Finch: I find “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” resonates when you’re down by twenty at the half. If nothing else, it confuses the opposing team. And occasionally, my own.
American Courtside: Your team was known for its “integrity defense.” Care to elaborate?
Atticus Finch: I insisted we defend the basket with the same respect I bring to a closing argument. We lost the ball sometimes, but never our dignity. The scoreboard, regrettably, does not track sportsmanship.
American Courtside: You’ve become a brand —there’s even “Atticus for Justice” merch. How do you feel about being a lifestyle icon?
Atticus Finch: I’d rather my face not adorn a tote bag sandwiched between quinoa and moral platitudes. But if someone feels inspired by my old corduroy jacket, who am I to judge? That’s the court’s job.
American Courtside: Critics say you’re idolized as the perfect ally, yet rarely upend the system you critique. Is that fair?
Atticus Finch: No one gets a medal for standing still in the courtroom of life. I prefer to think of myself as a cautionary tale for those applauding comfortable inaction —albeit one with better tailoring.
American Courtside: In “Go Set a Watchman,” your legacy takes a hit. Do you think fans are in denial about your human side?
Atticus Finch: People crave saints, not subpoenas. If my contradictions make readers squirm, perhaps that’s a step in the direction of justice —albeit an awkward, foot-shuffling one.
American Courtside: With retirement announced, what’s next? Will we see you penning your own novel?
Atticus Finch: I’m trading cross-examinations for crosswords —though I promise my plot twists will be less predictable than my free-throw percentage.
American Courtside: Any advice for aspiring defenders —on the court or in the courtroom?
Atticus Finch: Plant your feet, keep your head up, and remember: justice isn’t a buzzer-beater. It’s more of a slow, awkward layup that sometimes bounces off the rim and requires a second effort.
American Courtside: Final question —do you still sneak out at night to shoot hoops?
Atticus Finch: Only when the moon’s on my side. And when I’m sure no one’s watching to judge my jump shot.
Coach B
Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
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