NOVELTY REFEREE WHISTLE THAT PLAYS ‘SWEET CAROLINE’ SENDS LOCAL GIRLS’ BASKETBALL COACH INTO EXISTENTIAL SPIRAL

LYNCHBURG, VA — A local girls’ basketball coach was visibly rattled Tuesday evening after experiencing his first encounter with the new “Sweet Caroline” musical referee whistle, recently piloted in select high school gyms as part of an “engagement initiative.” The whistle, which blares the opening bars of Neil Diamond’s classic each time it’s blown, made its regional debut during the second quarter of the Cougars’ home game.

Coach Jeff Brunner, clipboard in hand and a set of gaffer-taped Nikes, initially attempted to maintain composure as the familiar tune played for a fifth consecutive possession. “Listen, I’m sure the district had their reasons,” Brunner explained, eyes darting between his bench and the scorer’s table. “I just didn’t anticipate having to diagram a 1-3-1 zone under the threat of a sing-along. It’s…a new variable.”

Players appeared equally confused, some instinctively clapping along while others mistook the chorus for an inadvertent pep rally. “I’m all for innovation,” Brunner said, “but when my point guard hesitates on a fast break because she thinks there’s a timeout, maybe we’ve gone a step too far.”

The referee, assigned a standard-issue white polo and the bright red musical whistle, simply shrugged. “They told me it was state-of-the-art,” he offered. “Plus, the batteries last longer than my patience.”

At press time, Brunner was seen quietly updating his pre-game checklist to include “practice ignoring spontaneous 1970s pop ballads,” while researching whether traditional fox whistles could be retrofitted with noise-canceling foam. He has requested clarification from the athletic director on whether the postgame handshake line now legally requires a key change.

JV COACHES FRANTICALLY SCATTER EMPTY GATORADE BOTTLES TO PROVE THEY SPENT NIGHT BREAKING DOWN GAME FILM

BROOKSVILLE, KY — Sources confirmed Tuesday that several JV basketball coaches were observed strategically distributing empty Gatorade bottles and crumpled fast-food wrappers across their office in an effort to bolster claims they had spent the entire night breaking down game film. The move, described by onlookers as “methodical,” reportedly included the carefully staged placement of a half-eaten protein bar atop a well-worn clipboard, as well as a series of color-coded sticky notes affixed to an unplugged projector.

“We want everyone to know we left it all on the tape,” explained Coach Darnell, pausing to Sharpie a few fake play diagrams onto a dry-erase board already stained with last month’s roster notes. “If the varsity staff peeks in, they’ll see the sheer volume of hydration products and assume we didn’t sleep. That’s the kind of dedication you can’t fake—unless you can.”

Assistant Coach Lindstrom, tasked with scattering wadded stat sheets around the room, said the system was not without its risks. “You have to rotate the bottle brands,” he cautioned, double-checking that none of the wrappers advertised discontinued menu items. “Last year, we got called out for having the holiday edition Mountain Dew in April.”

Despite the effort, some players remained unconvinced, noting that the coaches’ “game film” seemed to consist mostly of grainy footage from a 2017 instructional DVD and a paused Netflix account. Still, Coach Darnell stood by the elaborate display. “Leadership is about setting the tone. If that means a 2 a.m. Slurpee run and a few strategically-placed Sour Patch Kids, so be it.”

He later revealed plans to invest in an air mattress and a slow-cooker to “bring even more authenticity to postseason film review.”

AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH VOLDERMORT

Published: June 12, 2025

Though he’s best remembered as the serpentine architect of wizarding mayhem, Lord Voldemort — He-Who-Insists-You-Not-Say-His-Name — has recently resurfaced in the cultural conversation, courtesy of a record-smashing wand auction, a psychological documentary, and his enduring, if accidental, legacy as a pop icon. American Courtside sat down for a rare second interview with the Dark Lord to discuss reputation management, immortality hacks, and life after infamy.

American Courtside: Welcome back to American Courtside! Your wand just sold for a record price at auction. Thoughts on your personal effects becoming collector’s items?
Voldermort: It’s humbling to see my wand finally appreciated —especially since the Wizarding World was never able to fully appreciate my finesse while it was still in use.

American Courtside: A new documentary explores the psychology behind your rise to power. Did you participate?
Voldermort: I declined. They insisted on using archival footage from my Hogwarts days —before I found my aesthetic. No one needs to see my awkward, noseless phase.

American Courtside: You built your brand around fear and mystery, yet everyone knows your real name. Is “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” just marketing spin?
Voldermort: Branding is about perceived exclusivity. If everyone’s whispering your name in terror, does it matter if they know your birth certificate?

American Courtside: You’re notorious for defeating yourself more often than your enemies. Do you regret any tactical decisions?
Voldermort: In retrospect, perhaps I underestimated the tenacity of British schoolchildren and the power of friendship bracelets.

American Courtside: You once sought to erase Muggle-borns, yet Harry Potter, your greatest adversary, became the ultimate symbol of defiance. Did you anticipate creating a folk hero?
Voldermort: I set out to build monuments to myself; who knew the main export would be “Chosen One” lunchboxes?

American Courtside: The Dark Arts continue to have a cultural influence. Are you proud or mortified?
Voldermort: Let’s call it “strategic nostalgia.” If every brooding teen wants a Dark Mark tattoo, am I really losing, or just ahead of the trend curve?

American Courtside: Rumor has it you refuse to use hashtags. Is social media beneath the Dark Lord?
Voldermort: #AvadaKedavra was already taken by an EDM DJ in Berlin.

American Courtside: Any advice for aspiring villains —or rebranders?
Voldermort: Never, ever underestimate the disruptive potential of a determined orphan.

American Courtside: Is there truth to the story that your fear of death drove your every move?
Voldermort: Fear is such a loaded word. I prefer “vigorous aversion.” Besides, immortality is just good business sense in these uncertain times.

American Courtside: Final thoughts on your own legacy?
Voldermort: Let history debate my methods. In the end, even a villain can inspire —if only as a cautionary tale for those who overestimate eyeliner and underestimate teamwork.

CHALK DUST AND TRUTH PRESENTS:

THE ASSISTANT

I once hired an assistant who claimed he had invented the triangle offense in a dream.
He couldn’t explain it, but he kept drawing three dots and saying, “They talk to each other.”
I let him run warm-ups for a season. Never saw a pulled hammy.

FACTBOT 3000

Fact!: 73% of June practices end with at least one coach questioning if they’re actually running a basketball program or a seasonal therapy group.

This is why the team mascot was recently promoted to assistant counselor.