SCHOOL TOUR FOR NEW RECRUITS ENDS IN AGGRESSIVE LECTURE ON PROPER HYDRATION
SCHOOL TOUR FOR NEW RECRUITS ENDS IN AGGRESSIVE LECTURE ON PROPER HYDRATION
BROOKSVILLE, KY — Assistant basketball coach Darren Kessler paused the annual gymnasium tour for incoming freshmen Wednesday to deliver a 48-minute PowerPoint presentation on the dangers of mild dehydration and the proper use of squeeze bottles.
Sources report that the prospective recruits—who had expected to see the trophy case and possibly shoot free throws—were instead ushered into a dimly lit classroom where Kessler produced a clicker and a handout titled “Thirst: The Silent Opponent.” The presentation, which included a detailed breakdown of urine color charts and the correct wrist angle for optimal bottle squeeze, was accompanied by a series of laminated graphs.
“Hydration is not just about drinking water, it’s about respecting your body’s internal aqueducts,” Kessler explained to the 13 confused students, adding, “You wouldn’t run your mom’s minivan on empty, so why do it to your muscles?” He then demonstrated advanced refilling techniques, pausing only to correct a freshman who attempted to open a bottle with his teeth.
Following the presentation, head coach Linda Patel distributed 27-question hydration quizzes and personally inspected each student’s water bottle for signs of “residual Gatorade contamination.”
“I was hoping to see the weight room, but I guess it’s good to know about electrolytes,” said incoming forward Marcus Dean, whose application essay had focused on teamwork. “Coach Kessler said dehydration can shrink your brain. I didn’t know that.”
At press time, the recruits were seen awkwardly carrying one-gallon jugs to their next session, while Kessler exhorted that “clear is the new black!”
NEW STUDY SHOWS GIRLS’ BASKETBALL PLAYERS BENEFIT FROM MORE PRACTICE TIME
A recent study reveals that increased practice time significantly enhances the skills and performance of girls’ basketball players. What do you say?
- “Because boys never benefit from practice!” -Samantha “Future WNBA” Rodriguez, 17, Aspiring Player
- “Just the pretext I needed to schedule that five-hour practice!” –Coach Linda “Drill Sergeant” Harper, 40,
- “Are you implying that I now have to listen more motivational speeches about ‘the power of preparation?’ Because, I’m pretty close to my limit right now.”–Rick “Court Whisperer” Thompson, 38, Assistant Coach
- “Can we have a study on how yoga and ice-cream smoothies affect scores? I think my team should volunteer.” –Tina “Stats Queen” Morales, 29, Data Analyst
- “Does that mean we get a budget increase for time at the gym? -Frank “The Realist” Jenkins, 50, Athletic Director
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH MICHAEL JORDAN!
In anticipation of his new documentary and the latest Air Jordan retro release, basketball legend Michael Jordan sits down with American Courtside to reflect on his legacy, branding, and the myths that surround him.
American Courtside: Michael, congratulations on another Air Jordan retro collection. Is there any product you won’t put your name on?
Michael Jordan: Well, I haven’t signed a deal with funeral homes yet. Republicans buy coffins too!
American Courtside: You’re celebrated as the ultimate competitor. Do you ever turn it off, say, during a charity golf event or a friendly card game?
Michael Jordan: I tried turning it off once. I lost a game of checkers to my six-year-old nephew and then he tried to sign a licensing deal with Hasbro. He’s my favorite nephew.
American Courtside: There’s a lot of talk about your role as a social role model. In hindsight, would you have spoken out more on political issues?
Michael Jordan: I always say, “Actions speak louder than words.” That’s why I donated $10 million to medical research —so I can keep selling sneakers in a healthier market.
American Courtside: Your baseball career is often remembered as a rare stumble. Any regrets about not sticking to basketball the whole time?
Michael Jordan: Regret? Never. I hit .202! Only .98 points away from perfection! And those Birmingham Barons uniforms? Good times.
American Courtside: You’re infamous for holding grudges. Has time mellowed you at all?
Michael Jordan: Absolutely. I only keep a top-five enemies list now. It’s more efficient —and it fits better on a commemorative plaque.
American Courtside: The Miami Heat retired your jersey number even though you never played for them. How does that feel?
Michael Jordan: It’s flattering. With any luck the New York Philharmonic will retire the number 23 sheet music stand in my honor.
American Courtside: “Space Jam” is a cult classic. Any chance you’ll return to Hollywood for a sequel?
Michael Jordan: If Bugs Bunny can match my endorsement fee.
American Courtside: With a new documentary premiering this fall, is there anything left about your life we don’t already know?
Michael Jordan: Probably not.
American Courtside: Finally, what advice would you give young players who want to be “like Mike”?
Michael Jordan: Dream big, work hard, and always remember —if anyone doubts you, take it personally!
SCOACH SCOOTER’S REVIEW CORNER:
THIS WEEK WE REVIEW THE: GOSPORTS XTRAMAN BASKETBALL DUMMY DEFENDER TRAINING MANNEQUIN
TITLE: A GAME OF SHADOWS: AN INQUIRY INTO EXISTENCE
REVIEW: Have you ever felt so alive! I bought this dummy thinking it would help me practice basketball like some kind of normal person—but NO! Each day I face off against him, dribbling madly and missing shots as he stands, stoically judging me with his silence —I HAVE NEVER FELT SO SEEN! He sees every mistake, silently reminding me of every shot I missed before Lisa said she only dated basketball players… I MISS YOU LISA! I only wish everyone could understand as GOSPORTS XTRAMAN BASKETBALL DUMMY DEFENDER TRAINING MANNEQUIN understands.
The adjustable arms sometimes need a little tape.
Five stars!
GET YOURS HERE!