SURVEY: 92% OF COACHES ADMIT PRE-GAME SPEECH IS JUST QUOTING “REMEMBER THE TITANS” IN FANCY SUNGLASSES
SURVEY: 92% OF COACHES ADMIT PRE-GAME SPEECH IS JUST QUOTING “REMEMBER THE TITANS” IN FANCY SUNGLASSES
BISMARCK, ND — A recent nationwide survey of high school basketball coaches has revealed that 92% of pre-game speeches are, in fact, extended passages from “Remember the Titans” delivered while wearing recently purchased sunglasses—regardless of the indoor setting.
Researchers from the National Federation of State High School Associations found that, on average, coaches spend 27 minutes before tip-off frantically scrolling through YouTube for Denzel Washington’s locker room scenes, occasionally substituting lines from “Hoosiers” if they sense the team is losing focus.
“Honestly, I just swap out ‘football’ for ‘basketball’ and hope no one notices,” admitted Eastview High head coach Jeff Mahoney, adjusting a pair of mirrored Oakleys. “The sunglasses add gravitas. Plus, they hide the fact that I’m reading the speech off my phone.”
The study noted a sharp increase in sunglass purchases coinciding with regional tournaments, with most coaches opting for tactical wrap-arounds or gas station aviators that still carry the sticker. “It’s not about style,” said Mahoney. “It’s about establishing dominance over the JV coach, who forgot his.”
Players surveyed described the speeches as “motivational, sort of,” but reported confusion when instructed to “change the way they block” during halftime of a basketball game. “Coach kept yelling ‘Left side, strong side!’ and we just kind of nodded,” said sophomore guard Dylan Parks.
When asked to comment, local athletic director Marcia Owens stated, “As long as coaches aren’t quoting ‘Talladega Nights’ again, we consider this progress.” She declined to address rumors of a district-wide ban on Ray-Bans in the faculty lounge.
COACH SAYS SHE WON’T RULE OUT “OCCULT POWERS” TO GET MORE GYM TIME
DENTON, TX — Varsity girls’ basketball coach Denise Harmon announced Friday that while she remains committed to “all traditional scheduling channels,” she is now “not ruling out occult rituals” as a means of securing a full-court practice slot before the season opener.
Citing a schedule that has her team alternating between 9:45 p.m. gym access, the wrestling team’s yoga studio, and, on one occasion, the staff lunchroom, Harmon said she has researched “several lesser-known pagan rites” in hopes of conjuring a 4-6 p.m. time block.
“I’ve emailed the AD, I’ve met with the volleyball coach, and I’ve even offered to bake brownies for the custodian’s nephew’s birthday,” Harmon clarified. “At this point, I’m examining whether a well-timed blood moon or a pentagram drawn in floor tape could move the needle.”
Assistant coach Trina Brown, who was last seen taping off a mystic circle near the three-point line, expressed optimism. “The freshman coach swears she manifested a prime slot last year just by burning sage during open house,” Brown said. “Or maybe it was the fire alarm that cleared the gym. Either way, we’re desperate.”
Harmon stated that all rituals would strictly comply with district safety protocol and would conclude before the 7th grade band’s scheduled rehearsal. When asked for comment, AD Jim Kearns said only, “If Denise can get us out of sharing the gym with the badminton club, I’ll buy the candles myself.”
As of press time, several JV players were reportedly learning Gregorian chants, “just in case it helps with the bus schedule too.”
TRUMP’S FLURRY OF PARDONS INCLUDE SOME TO CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTORS
President Trump recently issued a wave of pardons, several benefiting individuals who had donated to his campaign. What do you say?
- “Guess I should’ve donated from the athletic fund—maybe then my gym would finally get air conditioning.” — Sandy Kimmel (Varsity Girls’ Coach)
- “So if I buy a few tickets to the right fundraiser, will my last technical foul get expunged?” — Tom Wiggins (Assistant Coach)
- “If presidential pardons are for sale, maybe I can negotiate a shot clock extension for the state finals.” — Marcus Reed (Athletic Director)
- “I thought that I told my parents to donate to the snack bar, not the White House.” — Jade Foster (JV Point Guard)
- “My biggest crime is forgetting to sweep up after practice —think that qualifies, or do I need a PAC first?” — Nate Dorsey (Custodian)
- “Must be nice, my players need permission slips signed in triplicate just to use the weight room.” — Drew Patel (School Board Vice President)
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH DAWN STALEY
American Courtside: You’re fresh off another NCAA championship and a shiny new contract. How do you keep the “underdog” chip on your shoulder when your team is the Vegas favorite every year?
Dawn Staley: Easy —I just read the pregame press clippings upside down!
American Courtside: Fans love your sideline fits almost as much as your X’s and O’s. Any truth to the rumor that your playbook is sponsored by Louis Vuitton?
Dawn Staley: If LV made a clipboard, I’d have a three-peat by now.
American Courtside: You’re regularly hailed as a champion of social change. How do you balance activism with being the face of some very lucrative brands?
Dawn Staley: I fight the power Monday through Friday, and let the sponsors pay for my dogs’ gourmet treats on weekends.
American Courtside: Your Philly roots are legendary. Do you still bring that same blue-collar energy, or have you gone full “Southern hospitality” since landing in Columbia?
Dawn Staley: I’ll serve grits with a side of attitude. Bless your heart —just don’t cut into my press conference time.
American Courtside: You’ve been named one of Time’s 100 most influential people. Does that add pressure, or just another notch on the Hall of Fame belt?
Dawn Staley: I tried to barter my Time slot for a timeout in the finals. No luck, but it makes a nice icebreaker with recruits’ parents.
American Courtside: As a coach with sneaker drops and fashion collabs, do you ever miss the glory days of “just basketball”?
Dawn Staley: I miss the days when the only thing I had to break in was a pair of high-tops. Now it’s high-tops and contract lawyers.
American Courtside: You’re outspoken on referees, rules, and just about everything else. Have you ever considered running for NCAA president?
Dawn Staley: Only if the job comes with a better whistle.
American Courtside: You have a reputation for candor and toughness. Any truth to the rumor you once out-talked Geno Auriemma at a press junket?
Dawn Staley: Geno’s from Philly, too —so let’s just say our debates could power the Eastern Seaboard.
American Courtside: Your dogs make regular appearances on your socials. When do we get the Dawn Staley Pet Line?
Dawn Staley: Working on it. If Nike can make a chew toy that survives a championship run, I’ll put my name on it.
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I bought these 6 Flickglove shooting trainers thinking they might help my guys finish floaters. Instead, we discovered their true calling: pregame intimidation. The second we strolled into the other gym, six deep, all hands gleaming in translucent orange and blue silicone, the home fans went silent. Our point guard flexed his “Power Stretchy” glove at the scorers’ table and the ref threatened to start the game with a technical for “excessive accessory use.” Did it help our shooting? No clue. But three different JV kids got asked for their Instagram handles, and a scout from St. Whoevers’s was spotted taking notes on our style. If you want to lose by seventeen but look like you’re sponsored by NASA, these gloves are your ticket.
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Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
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