Team Celebration Accidentally Orders 100 Vegan Pizzas
Team Celebration Accidentally Orders 100 Vegan Pizzas
BEND, OR — The Westville High varsity basketball team gathered for their annual end-of-season celebration Friday night, only to discover that every one of the 100 pizzas delivered to the gym was vegan. The incident occurred after team manager Tyler Brooks, a sophomore, reportedly misclicked while placing the team’s order online, selecting the “plant-based” option for all pies.
Players arrived hungry after a two-hour open gym and were met with boxes filled exclusively with cheese-less, meat-less pizza creations. “I thought maybe the pepperoni was just hiding under the kale,” said senior forward Marcus Hill, who admitted to double-checking every slice before giving up and eating three breadsticks instead.
Coach Dan Reynolds attempted to salvage the situation by encouraging players to “embrace adversity,” and later expounding that “We teach adaptability on and off the floor.” And later, “Tonight the kids all learned that cauliflower is technically a topping.”
Parents who arrived to pick up their students were reportedly seen Googling “nearest drive-thru” while freshman JV guard Emma Sanchez tried to lead a group in chanting “bring back the cheese.” Team booster club president Linda Jamison described the vegan crusts as “a unique texture experience” and quietly began researching refund policies.
Brooks, reflecting on the error, said, “I just wanted to get the gluten-free option for Coach’s wife. Next thing I know, we’ve got 24 pizzas labeled ‘Garden Harvest Supreme.’” Late in the evening, the team’s starting center was overheard wondering aloud if vegan sausage “counts as a protein shake,” before deciding to just eat the box.
School Board Considers Mandatory Clapping Policy for All Game Halftimes
HELENA, MT — The local school board convened Thursday evening to review a new proposal requiring all spectators to clap continuously throughout the halftime period of home basketball games. Supporters say the policy will foster school spirit and discourage what one board member described as “dangerous pockets of silence.”
Under the proposed guideline, spectators will be expected to maintain at least 60 decibels of applause from the moment the second-quarter buzzer sounds until the teams return to the court. School board vice-chair Linda McGree cited research from an unnamed motivational speaker, noting, “When hands meet rhythmically, so do hearts. We anticipate a 12% increase in hustle.”
The proposal suggests distributing laminated “Clap Cards” to monitor compliance. “We’ll have student interns walking the stands. Anyone caught resting their hands will be offered a gentle reminder or, if persistent, a pair of finger cymbals,” explained Assistant Principal Ron Hartstraw.
Reactions among staff have been mixed. JV coach Brian Furlow expressed mild concern. “I’m not sure my mom can clap for 15 straight minutes. She’s got that thing with her wrist,” he said, adding, “Maybe we can rotate people in, like on defense.”
Sophomore guard Tyler Higgs voiced support. “Sometimes it gets real quiet when the band’s tuning. I think forced clapping would drown out Coach’s halftime speeches, which is a win for everybody.”
The board is considering amendments for those medically exempt from clapping, including the use of “enthusiastic nodding” or “vigorous foot tapping.” A final vote is scheduled for next Tuesday, pending decibel meter procurement from the science department.
Headline: Vatican conclave chooses first American-born pope
In a historic decision, the College of Cardinals has elected the first American-born pope to lead the Catholic Church. What do you say?
- “Does this mean our next booster meeting is at Olive Garden instead of the church basement?” — Karen Maddox (Booster Club President)
- “Finally, someone in Rome who knows what a snow day is.” — Ron Taylor (Bus Driver)
- “Honestly, I just hope his first decree involves a universal shot clock.” — Tameka Wallace (JV Coach)
- “So, is blessing the water cooler allowed now, or still ‘too much’?” — Sister Mary Colleen (Team Chaplain)
AMERICAN COURTSIDE’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH TIM DUNCAN
American Courtside: Tim, congratulations on your Hall of Fame induction and new role with the Spurs. Does stepping back into the spotlight ever get old?
Tim Duncan: I wouldn’t know — I’ve spent 20 years dodging it like a bad cross-court pass.
American Courtside: The NBA is obsessed with branding its stars. Ever wish you’d had your own signature shoe?
Tim Duncan: I pitched “The Orthotic” — a practical shoe with excellent arch support and zero marketing appeal. Still waiting to hear back.
American Courtside: Fans called you “The Big Fundamental.” Did you ever crave a flashier nickname?
Tim Duncan: I considered “Dunkmaster Superflex,” for a time.
American Courtside: There’s talk of you being “expressionless” on the court. Is that accurate?
Tim Duncan: Only on the outside. Inside, I’m doing cartwheels while screaming Tool lyrics.
American Courtside: Some teammates insist you’re a prankster off the court. Care to confirm or deny?
Tim Duncan: I once replaced every basketball in the gym with deflated ones. It was pandemonium. Someone almost frowned.
American Courtside: Your career highlight reels are famously… economical. Any plans for a more exciting montage?
Tim Duncan: I’m working on “The Art of the Fundamental Pass” — set to whale sounds.
American Courtside: You’re a global superstar, yet somehow keep a low profile. How do you do it?
Tim Duncan: Camouflage. So very, very much camouflage.
American Courtside: How does your background in psychology influence your new player development role?
Tim Duncan: I use subtle cues — like nodding sagely and Eriksonian hypnosis during free throws.
American Courtside: You hosted a youth basketball clinic recently. What’s your go-to advice for kids dreaming of NBA glory?
Tim Duncan: Master the bank shot. Avoid drama. And if someone asks you to star in a cereal commercial, run.
American Courtside: Any truth to rumors about a “Where’s Tim?” campaign for next season?
Tim Duncan: Absolutely. Find me in the background of every huddle, blending in with the Gatorade coolers. Good luck.
Coach Scooter’s Product Review: Basketball Shooting Off Hand Trainer Kit
Can True Self-Knowledge Be Found in an Off-Hand Trainer Kit?
When the Basketball Shooting Off Hand Trainer Kit arrived swaddled in its crinkly plastic womb of commercial optimism, I greeted it not with joy, but with the wary resignation of a man who has bought resistance bands at 2 a.m. before. The adjustable hook-and-loop straps murmured their corporate koan of “one size fits all,” but when fastened to my trembling left arm, they pinched like the cold judgment of a junior varsity coach who never believed in me.
The included dribbling goggles—an ocular straightjacket—eradicated any trace of downward vision. Attempting a pantomime crossover before Dr. Whiskers (my feline coach and spiritual anchor), I struck not the ball, but a nearby lamp, and subsequently a framed photo of my intramural glory days. The shards now serve as both warning and motivation.
And yet, what is this journey? Is it self-improvement—or a Sisyphean attempt to out-dribble the past? At what point does refining one’s jump shot become indistinguishable from performing performance art in a vacuum, for an audience of indifferent furniture?
In conclusion: if you must outsource your development to molded plastic and elastic ambition, proceed—but know that no amount of Velcro can fasten shut the yawning chasm of your jump shot’s futility.
Pros:
- Straps constrict your off-hand and dreams with equal efficiency
- Goggles fully obstruct your vision (also helpful during embarrassing memories)
- Durable enough to survive repeated existential dunks
Cons:
- May incite minor identity crises or feline disappointment
- Offers no real answers—only drills and an enduring sense of inadequacy
Written by: Coach B
Editor-in-Chief, BBCoachBlog
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